Boooo

Sorry for lack of posting; I've been adjusting to college and whatnot. I had long assumed that the stark life transition would send me spiraling back into scary (yet warmly welcomed) disordered eating habits but much to my surprise I've been eating... norrrrrmaalllyyyyyy? D : In fact, more normally than I ever imagined I'd be able to. Ever. Three nutritious meals a day with the occasional banana thrown in as a snack. No binging, no late night snacking. I eat when I'm hungry--and only when I'm really, REALLY hungry. My usually-futile attempts to dive into veganism have, this time, been successful. That makes me suspicious. I haven't been working out and of course I have an excuse, only this time it's sort of a good one. I grossly underestimated how much I'd actually be walking--to the bus stop (I'd guess it at about a mile, uphill), from building to building (it's a huge campus)(uphill), then all the walking trying to catch trains/buses... I underestimated the number of staircases in this city (oh my god it's a lot) and severely underestimated how many miles I'd pack in just solely from getting lost nearly every time I try to veer even slightly off of my normal routine. I am, however, planning on using the workout room in the apartments because walking so much with my bookbag weighing me down is hurting my back so bad, so I want to do some things to strengthen/stretch my back/shoulders/arms. And a little more cardio never hurt anyone! Well, that's debatable. Anyway. I have no scale. I do plan on buying one.

This lifestyle seems like it could work well for me.

So why does it feel so awful awful awful? Part of me does love the idea of filling my belly up with beans and veggies after a ridiculously long day, but part of me still cherishes my late nights spent with a rumbling stomach and endless diet sodas and misses the intense feeling of euphoria that comes from studying hungry. I feel like I should fight this off, but... it hasn't gone away. I wish I could tell you that I feel like I'm getting better, because lately I've been viewing health as a projection, it's so close, but... it's just a vision. That awful voice is still there, reminding me oh, you're not supposed to do that. Don't let yourself have what you want, that isn't right, it's selfish. Be austere and inconsequential, fade into nothing and thus transcend everything.

Oh what to do, what to do. I only want two things, and they're polar opposites.
I seem to be drifting towards both at the same time.