I cry and cry because I'm so lonely. I'm sick of crying at the slightest thing. Is it better to feel or not to feel? You know what I'm getting at. Should I let myself slip back into this sick world in order to numb myself, make myself oblivious to everything? It's weird because when you're starving you think you feel everything violently, but you go back to normal for a while and realize you weren't feeling anything at all... not really...

I can't pretend I decide to go in or out of health. It happens before I know it. I'm wavering without realizing. The more I actually think about it, the more I realize that this notion I've gotten on, the idea that I'm actually better, is a load of bullshit. Do I get hungry, want to eat, but can't? Do I walk around campus gazing longingly at all the restaurants telling myself it's OKAY to eat, I promise you're ALLOWED to do it, and I finish out the day hungry and exhausted? Do I open the fridge with intentions of eating but I'm too scared to touch anything? Am I terrified of certain foods, do I think they're dirty, impure, evil, dangerous? Do I find myself drawn to the grocery store, only to pace around forever, leaving with nothing but a diet coke and some random item? Do I groan in public, my head in my hands, grabbing at my hair, overwhelmed with anxiety any time I try and spend any amount of money because it feels so horribly like binging? I do, I do, I do.

Do I eat normally sometimes?
I do.

Do I overeat sometimes?
I do.

Do I binge?
I'm beginning to. But it's more like "Oh my god I can't believe I just ate a can of soup AND A PEACH AND A GRANOLA BAR!" which is... considerably less than my binge-mode binges but still unacceptable.

And is this unacceptable?
Maybe that's what a normal meal looks like!?
How the fuck am I supposed to know!?
Whoever fucking taught me what normal was!?

Am I eating normally?
Am I getting better?
Why should it matter?
Maybe my eating habits are getting more normal. Maybe they were normal for a little while just after I moved and then they slipped back into abnormality... I don't know. But I don't live completely immersed in this disorder any longer, which may be perceived as a good thing... but in its place, other things have manifested themselves to make me miserable. Recklessness, irresponsibility, the affinity for sleeping 16 hours a day just so I don't have to deal with people... violent perpetual tears... anxiety that keeps me up until ungodly hours of the morning... the tendency to isolate, to stay in my room all day. Today I built a sheet fort in my closet to keep things dark, so I can isolate even more. Awful social anxiety. Loneliness that's even worse. A desire to cut that I talk myself out of nightly. No desire to go to school. Only to stay cozy and safe in the small world I have created for myself in my bedroom. No friends. No identity. No life. I can deal with all of this, I know, just get out more, be more outgoing... but the fucking PHYSICAL anxiety I can't do ANYTHING about. It's so much easier to push all of my anxiety towards eating, so it's a filter, so it'll be the only think I ever get anxious about, on the surface at least. And that's considerably EASY to deal with. No food? No anxiety. Just don't eat.

...and the vicious cycle begins again.
This is almost funny.