Went on PrettyThin looking for some support; stayed on for about 10 minutes until I couldn't deal with the fatphobia, body-policing, lifestyle policing, sexism, girl-hate and general shitty attitudes anymore and I realized my feminism and body-positivity has officially surpassed my eating disorder... but not enough to get rid of it, just enough that I don't really care about being thin anymore and I can't really fit into an eating-disordered community anymore because I can't deal with any of the hateful and socially poisonous shit that our disorders often make us perpetuate... but we all know this isn't just about being thin. I mean personally I'm so sick of feeling shit and I know once I'm starving enough my ability to feel will be drastically altered. Yeah, I'm taking a break from life. I just can't deal anymore. And if I lose weight in the process that's just a plus.

It's just weird because I've been having really good body image lately, but the desire to starve hasn't gone away. I wish this wasn't so fucking complicated.

I think I'm going to start logging my calories again, except aiming for a healthier number of calories rather than restricting. (But not weighing myself... I don't think I can handle that yet.)

You know, people always tell you, ACCEPT YOUR BODY. But what about ACCEPTING YOUR MIND? No one ever fucking tells you to do that. They always tell you you're sick, you're crazy, you need help, you need to stop thinking this way. But how can you stop hating yourself if you can't learn to accept your body AND your mind? Society is telling us our bodies are bad, then our minds start telling us our bodies are bad, then society goes right back and tells us that now our minds are bad too for just fucking agreeing with all the stupid bullshit lies that society shoves down (and back up) our throats 400 fucking times a day. WE CAN'T WIN. Do you know what I mean? Maybe sometimes I need to just take a break from fighting all of this; maybe I need to give in a little. Maybe I need to accept that this IS a part of who I am and that I NEED to give in to it every so often, and that to fully accept who I am, I have to accept even this. 

Maybe I'm trying to rationalize my strong desire to let myself relapse, just until January.

Ugh, everything is triggering me tonight. I should have studied but I didn't and now it's time to go to bed. I'm afraid when I go home (I'm taking a semester off, dunno if I've written about that) I'm going to relapse hard.

First, thanks for everyone who's commenting on this blog still. I know I haven't been replying back but I don't want to go to someone's blog and be triggered, but I am really appreciating each one of them. : )

Second, yesterday I ended up eating two big meals... not really binges because they were planned, and my second meal (an awesome salad with avocados and red peppers and stuff) just ended up being a lot bigger than I thought it would be... anyway after that I got REALLY sick, like I thought I was actually about to throw up, and I don't know if I was just too full or if something I ate made me sick. This is kind of needless information and I don't know why I'm saying it.

Anyway, at least I didn't eat late at night or anything. And I have a lot of fruit and vegetables to eat today. Wish me luck. : P

And I hope everyone is doing well and reaching whatever goals they see fit to be reaching. : )

Okay now I'm just bingeing all the time. I'm not getting better. I'm fucking kidding myself.

I just don't know what to do.

More non-recovery type stuff:

I'm going to need someone to convince me not to restrict this weekend.

EDIT. Here's me trying to be logical about this.
Pros of restricting: I'll get over this bloatedness, I'll feel less fat, I'll lose a pound or two, my stomach will get all empty and flat and amazing (even if it's temporary, blah), the groceries I just bought will last longer, fasting every so often can actually be good for you (it cleans you out), I might undo the gross food I ate today, I get to feel amazing and hungry and floaty again for a while, if I juice fast I have an excuse to drink juice (??? haha), it'll kickstart me into my "diet" that I want to do, I won't be eating so I won't make a mess in the kitchen, I don't have to worry about cooking or finding something to eat, I'll have something to focus on so I won't be as bored.

Cons of restricting: It might end up in a binge, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS, I'll probably be tired and annoyed for half the day until I start feeling loopy and amazing (is this a pro or a con or both?), I need to take food with my medicine, it might trigger me into something that'll last longer than these two days, blah, blah, blah...

I think I'll eat three really small meals just to have something to take my medicine with. SORRY FOR FAILING AT BEING A RECOVERY BLOG. Ugh. Or maybe I should just say that I can eat pineapple, bananas and grapes as much as I want but that's all that I can eat. That seems less "bad" to me. I dunno.

Here's a pretty non-recovery type post:

So like, don't read it. Or something. Um... I'm convinced I gained weight. Like, I feel like I can see it in my face. Blaaaarggghhhhh. Um, maybe I'll tone down this whole eating thing for the weekend, or whatever. I mean I feel like I deserve a break; I've been sick and I'm in the middle of finals and I think I may have broken up with that boy but honestly I don't know... what I'm trying to say is that maybe it's ok if I do this for just a little while, until finals are over, until I'm back home, until I'm actually in a house where there's more than total shit to eat so I can eat and not feel sick about it... I really just want to lose a little bit more weight. I know I generally like what I see in the mirror but I also realize that the mirror I usually look at makes me look so much smaller. I should just get this over with, just lose a little bit more weight, stop putting it off and stop worrying I'll get sick again and just get it over with. So yeah.

So the past few days I've been having ridiculously/pleasantly low anxiety... I was actually able to sit on the couch yesterday! I can NEVER do that! And it made me a little uneasy and I still wasn't able to really fully relax but it was still nice to be able to sit on it, AND I actually considered sitting on the kitchen floor for some reason but I decided against it. Anyway. That's good! Though I still can't wait to move back home where I feel comfortable touching almost anything.

Unfortunately, I've also been having pretty low self-esteem lately. Not really with my body though, but more with my face/hair/how my clothes are looking... I think it's just been a combination of being sick (and looking it), having consecutive bad hair days due to really strange hair-washing schedules and the fact that it's freezing and all of my winter clothes are too big. Eh. So I can't really deem this a self-confidence crisis, and thank heavens it has almost nothing to do with body image. So yay. I mean, I know my face is part of my body but... whatever. You know what I mean. Loving the way my body looks has proved to be MUCH easier than loving my face. Much much easier.

I'm afraid I'm gaining weight though. It's been rough lately, from Thanksgiving eating and worrying about gaining weight from that to getting a really bad sinus infection the very next day and hardly eating for a few days but then all of a sudden wanting to eat CONSTANTLY. Bah! I really need to make a conscious effort to eat well consistently.

This post sucks. I think I might have failed my Geology final and I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. But the city is decorated for Christmas and it's beautiful and I'll be home in 13 days.