Fickle, fickle me

Why can't I decide what I want?

I spend my days eating too much, waiting for the strength and control to refuse food, to avoid food, to hate it like a once-abusive ex-lover. But then when I actually get in the proper mindset, said state of mind terrifies me and I binge out of fear of going completely crazy. I wake up the next morning wishing I had let myself go crazy. 

It's not the hunger that makes me feel crazy... it's the hoarding, the constant rearranging of food, tearing everything out of the cupboard only to place it back in with shaking hands, arranging it back in some pseudo-logical order that I don't even fully understand. It's the brushing of my teeth, not normal brushing, but being  absolutely, positively compelled to brush my teeth until I'm spitting out blood, until my new toothbrush suddenly looks a month old. I can't even tell you how quickly I go through toothbrushes. It's the going outside in Georgia in June and thinking why the fuck is it so fucking cold outside? It's the stumbling around with a jug of diet ginger ale in hand and your parents thinking it's alcohol. It's the high, high place, far above the clouds, just outside of the galaxy. It's a weird place to be. It's a fucking terrifying place to be. But where am I now?

I'm sitting here like a bump on a log, waiting for the food to clear out of my body, feeling it tighten the back of a throat that so desperately wants to purge. I should just skip this step and stop eating altogether, let myself be crazy and scared and manic like I was last night. I'm going to be miserable no matter what, so I might as well relinquish my sanity to the always-moving, always-floating state of being that is... well what is this state of being called? Semi-starvation? Total starvation?

The point of this post? I suppose I'm saying all of this to announce my new rule of no eating after 6:00. I think I'll go in the pool.

Hopeish

I realized I have entirely too much fucking time on my hands, so I started a thinspo blog. I'm going to make a point to post all sorts of thinspo, whether it be pictures, song lyrics, videos, art, etc. I'll be sure to put up a video post tonight.
http://icsiiysthinspo.blogspot.com/
(I also changed the format of this one... it makes me feel dreamy.)

I haven't counted closely enough, but here's a rough estimation of what I've eaten today:

-Some Amy's Indian food bowl that was really delicious (320)
-Banana (120)
-Watermelon (50)
-Peach (50)
-Carrots (50)
-Peanut butter (190)

780. Eurgh. I'm awful. At least I haven't binged today. I'm starting to reincorporate a majority of raw foods back into my diet, because it seems to really help kickstart my weight loss. I really should have stopped eating a couple hundred calories ago, but I think I'm going to have a salad (spinach, carrots, cucumbers, mustard) for dinner tonight after I work out in the pool, which I'm about to go do. I hope you girls are staying strong. I hope that you are all setting your goals and stopping at nothing to achieve them. You deserve to be nothing less than everything you want to be. : )

What's the opposite of a suicide note? Because I'm realizing that the most favorable option is not to kill myself, but to kill the parts of myself that do in fact bring out these eccentric and decidedly un-cute suicidal tendencies. Kill the Binge Monster. Save yourself. Starve out and sweat out the Monster. It's not you, but it lives in your body. So don't let it live there anymore.

Woo, lost twoish lbs in one day! I danced for about four hours straight last night, and every muscle in my body is killing me!

I fucked up my liquid fast already; no surprise. It happened yesterday after I realized that in my mind pickles count as a liquid, and only after I had been munching on them for a while did I realize that they were not, in fact, liquid.

At the party I ended up eating a chocolate-covered pretzel (which I won't lie, was REALLY FUCKING GOOD), some celery, lemon water, and some little lemon pound cake cupcake thing. Then I came home and ate salad. Nonetheless, all my dancing severely paid off.

I'm sort of bummed that I don't have plans today but at least this leaves me the whole day to focus on regaining my control. Today so far I've eaten three rice cakes, and plan to keep my intake under 600 cals for the day. I've already watched the "Cassie" episode of Skins and plan on obsessively watching the Food Network for the rest of the day, and possibly beginning to reread Wasted and start reading the raw food book I got for Christmas and have yet to begin.

About to leave for a dance party. Hopefully I can work of some of this disgusting fat. Boo.

Disgust.

I just realized that I gained 15lbs in a month. This has to stop.

Three-day liquid fast.

FRIDAY

b
watermelon smoothie
-1/2 cup juice (50)
-1/2cup soy milk (40)
-watermelon 2 cups (100)

l
bouillon (30)

d
exorbitant amounts of diet coke
(I'll be at a dance party
goodness I hope they have diet coke)

throughout the day
-8 cups diet fruit punch (40)
-water water water

SATURDAY

b
bouillon (30)

l
8 cups diet fruit punch (40)

d
8 cups diet something else (40)

WATER

SUNDAY


b
2 cups soymilk (160)
(energy before work)

l
8 cups diet something (40)

d
maybe a smoothie?

WATER

You get the idea. I might just die from all the artificial sweeteners. But, fuck it.

My official summer album

My trip went absolutely marvelously. Apparently housing opens up a lot for the spring semester, so that's when I'm going! Yes, I'm going! I'm absolutely in love with the campus and I just felt right at home, like I was ready to just go right ahead and move in! And it's actually so much more affordable than I thought it would be and my mom couldn't deny how amazing of a school it is. : ) So I know I'm just expecting to go when I haven't technically been accepted yet... but my GPA and SAT scores are way above their standards and even when the information guy was throwing out numbers to brag about how they've increased their standards this year, I was above those standards, too. However, I'm applying for spring SUPER early and I'm afraid that they would for some reason wait until November to give me an answer which would kill me. : ( Bahhh. But, I'm so so so so happy and excited!

Now is the time to get excited, get focused, and get THIN! I have until January to get skinny skinny skinny. Did I mention that this school is downtown in a big, hilly city? Which means I will be walking everywhere, which means... well you know what it means! And their recreation center is amazing and they give extremely discounted rates on classes, which means I can finally afford to take boxing lessons, haha.

Unfortunately, I am fatter than ever. I've gained like 26 pounds in a matter of months. It's awful. Pathetic. Okay, not 26 because I weighed myself after my enormous binge this morning. But at least 23, awful awful awful. I purged out some of my food, but not nearly enough. My pants are officially too tight. BUT--our pool is almost ready, and exercising in the pool is pretty much my favorite thing. Another thing I have discovered is that when I'm sad, from now on, I'm going to dance. This makes a lot of sense because usually when I'm sad, I'm sad about being fat, and dancing burns calories. I danced through Ted Leo's whole "Share the Sheets" album today (okay well I spent one song stretching) so while I did have an awful binge/purge, at least I got some exercise. I bought that record on my trip when I spent an exorbitant amount of money on vinyl, and here's what my record player looks like when it's playing "Me and Mia":

It was one of the first records I saw as I was browsing, and  I knew it had to be a sign. Right? I plan on dancing to this every day to help raise my mood.

Today was better than yesterday. I mean, I guess I'd call today a considerably "good" day, though I guess it goes to show how fucking low I am that even on my "good" day I have seriously considered suicide. What I mean to say I guess, is that my level of control was at 0% yesterday, and today I'd estimate it being at about 25%. I made myself wait until 3:00 to eat, which was good and I was really proud of that, it's just all the junk food (Doritos, really good bread, chocolate pound cake, cheese, avocados) that came pouring into the house today overtook me. But if after reading that disgusting list (I mean, minus the avocados. I love avocados if they are PLANNED avocados but these certainly were not) if you can possibly imagine it, my intake was less than it was yesterday. At least, I'm assuming it was better; I'm trying really hard to forget that yesterday happened and I've been somewhat successful.

Going road trippin'/college visitin' with my mom tomorrow and goddamnit this restaurant up there has this really good vegan cheese and I'm eating pizza. Because, you know why? I'm going to pretend to be normal for two days. Then? I'm letting all my rituals seep back in. The shitty ones that come naturally, like not being able to go to sleep without having planned out every calorie of tomorrow's intake and having it in writing. That's the best one and the worst one, you know? It comes naturally so it works. And I'm letting it come back even though I hate it. But not tomorrow, tomorrow I will eat fake cheese and pesto and avocados and sugary coffee drinks and I'll put on my biggest smile that is until I have to give my mom "the talk" about how it was really messed up that she got my hopes up about college like that.

Depression, regression, disbelief, fatigue. I'm always depressed the first few weeks of summer, I know that, but I don't think I've ever felt this depressed before. Yesterday I decided that I was supposed to die this summer. Not necessarily that I wanted to die this summer, but just that I was supposed to. That I'm going to. I think of my future and there's this fog that stops my brain from going past this summer. I decided that I'm going to starve myself to death. I decided that I want someone to tell on me, that I want to get better, not from the eating thing, but from the wanting to die thing. From the cutting thing. From the being miserable thing. I also realized that "help" costs money, and well, I need a car. I figure if on the slim chance that I do survive the summer, I'm going to need a car and stuff. The night before graduation, the night that I cut so much, I'm walking around in a daze, she starts talking to me about the graduation dinner that was supposed to happen with some of my friends and an obnoxious amount of their families. I start crying, saying I don't want to go. Saying I shouldn't be going because I have nothing to celebrate. "What do you mean, because you decided to go to ______?" "I didn't decide to go there." And no, I didn't. My mother tried to force me to go to the college that I told her for years that I wouldn't go to. It's the place where people go to let their dreams die. So I leave and go cry in my room, she comes in and says something along the lines of "I know your education is really important to you so I think you should apply to _________ in the fall." The fucking school I've always wanted to go to. My dream school. I start crying again because while I'm happy she decided to let me go, the application deadline was in March. She tells me to apply anyway, she sends an email to the school asking if I can apply late... they say I can. They say I fucking can. I'm on top of the world, I'm so happy, I go to graduation and tell them to change my script to say I'm going to that school, and I walk across the stage fully believing it. My mom failed to mention that she wouldn't let me go unless I could get on-campus housing... but since she was so fickle with deciding to let me go, housing has already filled up and there's a waiting list, and she doesn't want to pay the deposit anyway. So I'm depending on this fucking waiting list. So she gets my fucking hopes up, all for my future to decide on a fucking waiting list.        

FuckyoufuckyoufuckyouFUCK YOU for letting me think for a second that I actually had a future. FUCK YOU. You're absolutely fucking full of shit and I will never forgive you for this. We're going to take a campus tour on Monday, and to turn in my application "if they say the waiting list isn't too long. If it's really long I'm not going to bother paying the application fee."

FUCK YOU!

So I've spent the past two days crying in bed. Too afraid to leave my house. Skipping graduation parties because I can't deal with life right now.

Bad decisions of the day

...bingeing, though significantly less than what I've been doing,
...cutting, significantly more than I have in like, a year...
The only way to quell my anxiety is to drink water. I have a two-liter soda bottle that I've filled with water and I'm hoping to get through four of these. 8 liters. 32 cups. Yes I am aiming for complete water intoxication. Yes it will probably make me sick. Yes my graduation is tomorrow.

Oh yes, I'm gazing at you through my water bottle. How mysterious of me.

I just had a major binge. What is wrong with me? Ihatemyselfihatemyself. Three day liquid fast starts tomorrow.

Cheeseburger flavored Doritos, wtf? They taste like mustard and pickles, which unfortunately makes them delicious... which unfortunately means I ate more of them than I even realized, which means I have to start the day counting 250 calories that I mostly-accidentally inhaled. I'm going to eat a 50-calorie salad at 3:00, then a 50-calorie apple sauce at 5:00... why does this all seem so futile?

In better news, my best friend got a car. I don't even have to explain why that's awesome, right?

So, um. I'm addicted to eating. It's a compulsion. One that can only be fought by abstaining altogether.

Creepy scenario.

You're on lookbook; you find some guy from your city. Just for kicks you search for his name on Facebook. You find him. You read that he's "in a relationship with ________." You go on her Facebook. She, too, is from your city, of course. You're going through her pictures and she looks really goddamn familiar; you realize that these pictures are from her lookbook. You remember them from loookbook because you have previously posted them in your blog as thinspiration. Someone from your city. Goddamn you, technology. This is too fucking weird.

(more thinspo.)

Lookbookin' and other various thinspo

DIPTHERIA - NATION OF ULYSSES
The road to hell is paved with chocolate treats,
and candy corn is sown at the side of the streets.
Every morsel promises to make you satisfied,
but every wrapper carries another lie.
The road to hell winds through a gingerbread town.
It looks real good, tastes real good,
but truth be told, it leads straight down.

And every ounce tells, when every pound kills,
and every loose tooth betrays another wrong move,
in the diet of denial.

Denial.

Denial. 

DISORDER - JOY DIVISION

I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand 

Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man? 
New sensations barely interest me for another day 
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away 

It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand 
On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it's a no man's land 
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now 
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow 

What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again 
I'm watching you, I'm watching her - I take no pity from your friends 
Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now? 
Until the spirit, new sensation takes hold - then you know -- 

I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling, feeling, feeling -- 

I wish I was French. Or cute. Preferably both.

So I sort of came home and ate like a pig. I'm going to estimate my day's calorie intake at 800. I've also decided that I'm allowed no more than 100 calories after 5 o'clock so.. yeah, you get it. I wish I knew how to make my posts more interesting, however I'm feeling like a very boring person right now as the only thing I desire to do is go take a nap on our hammock. Which I will be doing momentarily once I procure a bottle of diet coke, cover myself with an impenetrable layer of SPF 70+ sunscreen and find some shorts to wear under my obnoxiously short dress.

Senior breakfast is tomorrow, and we've been asked to wear t-shirts of whatever college we're going to or whatever organizations we'll be working with. I'm pinning a paper sign to my shirt that says "JOINING A CULT." Because I'm the only senior not excited for their post-high school plans. Whatevs.

SUMMER HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN. Minus all the half days I'm about to have, but whatevs. I'm liquid fasting for the rest of the night.

So you skipped senior awards to stay home and binge and you're currently having more anxiety than you can ever remember having.

You come home from the second-to-last day ever of high school and you binge on pound cake, salad, ice cream and some weird casserole you made two days ago. You then cook some soup. But before that, you decide that you need to purge--just a little, at least--because binging on its own is just neither fun nor exciting anymore. So you purge, and you manage to throw up so hard that the water splashes out of the toilet, onto your legs, onto places you didn't catch because at this point you've basically blacked out. Only moments later do you realize that you've managed to vomit on your shirt. Gross. You wash your face, slopping the water all over the shirt that you don't bother to change. You flush the toilet, clean the seat which is now covered in bits of ice cream and perhaps some things you hadn't previously remembered eating (this just in: Doritos) then you go back to the computer. You eat your soup, it gets on the keyboard, you don't care. For some reason you feel compelled to blog about it. So you're sitting there, scratchy throat, wet shirt, full stomach because you apparently didn't purge enough. You have to leave in an hour for senior awards, an event at which you're supposed to look nice--and really nice, not just in the way that your hair is clean and perfect (and not covered in flecks of vomit) and your skin is simply glowing (not sallow with watering, red eyes), but NICE, like in the way that you're graduating high school and you're so happy and peachy keen on life, not that you're stumbling in unnoticed after having your first purge in who-knows-how-long but it was much welcome. You've got a big secret, kid. It's funny how they all think you're happy. It's funny how you think you're happy. It's funny that by the end of the summer you'll be a full-fledged binge-drinking, drug-taking bulimic. It's funny that you'll look back on this summer as the best summer of your life but deep down you know it'll be the summer you set yourself up for the impending slow suicide of college. It's funny because as you're writing this blog post you have two final projects that you need to be working on, but instead you're about to take a nap. Good night.

Summer goals

1. Climb a tree.
2. Pee outside. Maybe in the woods, or behind a bush...
3. Get my license.
4. Go completely vegan.
5. Count every single calorie that goes into my mouth.
6. NEVER go over 1,000 calories.
7. Exercise every single day in some way, no exceptions.
8. Read every day.
9. If I binge and purge, I still have to count the calories.
10. Don't ever eat just to make someone else happy.

I have two real days left of school and then summer officially starts for me. (Even though I still have graduation rehearsals, senior breakfast and graduation.) But until them I'm going to be a fucking slob. Tomorrow I'm allowing myself one can of soup for the day but knowing me I'll end up eating more because I'm a fucking loser. But I'm trying. These next two days I'm going easy on myself, but after that, my summer adventure starts again.

Last summer... it was amazing. I lost 50lbs from May to September. How much can I lose from June to August? As much as I possibly can.

I will die a fucking fatass. Or at least I will if I keep binging at TEN O'CLOCK for chrissakes. Reinstating my rituals. They're the only thing that make me do stay on track.

I hate hate hate hate HATE feeling like I have nothing to say on here! Oh my word. (or lack thereof.) I suppose I'm just posting to say that today was absolutely wonderful and that I hope all of you ladies and gentlemen are doing splendidly.

(Also, for the first time like FOREVER my eating and activity level was actually acceptable. Woohoo for getting back on track!)