I hope everyone had a bearable Thanksgiving. I hate having to think of all of the crises that are probably happening right now for many of you. : (

Self-confidence is annoying low today...

I don't know what to do.

Damnit I'm home, back where this all started, back where it was the worst.
And I want to maybe not eat for a few days... maybe...

Um, I'm FUCKING TERRIFIED of gaining weight. And I'm pretty scared of staying the way I am. It's weird because sometimes I look in the mirror and think "Okay, I accept this, it's fine, and I'm pretty cute I guess" and sometimes I'm like "LOOK AT ME HOW ARE YOU SO ATTRACTIVE GIRL YOU ARE TOO FINE" (okay that's a bit of an exaggeration... but not much of one. I really do look in the mirror sometimes and find myself incredibly stoked on how I look, haha) but then those times when I look in the mirror and see something bigger than it feels like it should be, I feel like I would be absolutely perfect if I lost a little more weight. Maybe just 10 lbs. Maybe 20. But not more than that...

But I can't weigh myself, I KNOW I can't or I will spiral out of control and right back into this eating disorder. I came home and there was a scale in my room. I guess that's where they've been keeping it. I almost weighed myself, but I knew I just couldn't. I put it in my closet. I don't WANT to know if I've gained or lost weight since I moved (I haven't weighed myself since left for school because I left the scale here) because IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. And also because I know very well that seeing a higher number on that scale will successfully undo the last month I've spent trying to get better, trying to gain self-confidence. I don't remember ever in my life looking in the mirror and thinking I was not only beautiful just for being human but that I was also just really fucking attractive... and two days ago I did that. I kept looking in the mirror over and over again, not out of vanity but out of sheer excitement and happiness that every time I looked in the mirror I got happier and happier with my appearance.

I have a mirror that's elongating. It makes me look much thinner and taller. I was looking in that. I figured maybe I only liked what I saw because that mirror is flattering.
So I went to the bathroom.
The normal, seemingly more accurate mirror.
And I still fucking felt that same happiness.
When I got home today I looked in the bathroom mirror, the bathroom mirror that I always looked fatter in than I did in any other mirror
And I still felt fucking beautiful.

SO WHY DO I STILL WANT TO FUCKING STARVE MYSELF!?

I've dealt with this fucking self-confidence issue PRETTY GODDAMN WELL so WHAT THE FUCK IS IT!? How am I supposed to fix this if I don't know what's causing it? I don't feel ugly, I don't feel worthless, and most importantly I know that even if I WAS ugly that it wouldn't make me worthless anyway.

I mean isn't that the definition of self-confidence? That you're great but even if you end up not being great, you're still fucking great? And that everyone else is great too because everyone else is inherently great, and that you feel SO great that you don't have to feel greater than others just to feel great? Replace "great" with "beautiful" or "amazing" or "intelligent" or whatever other lovely word.

Compliments about my appearance used to make my day.
Now they're essentially irrelevant, because I don't need them anymore.
I smile, say thank you, because it's nice. But it wouldn't have mattered to me either way.

There are a hundred other things I'd rather be complimented for anyway before anything about my looks.

And I truly believe all of this.
I don't feel that I'm denying any deep insecurities.
I really feel confident in saying that I feel confident.
I feel that I could certainly improve more in that area, but damnit I think I've got this confidence thing down pretty fucking well huh?

So.
I don't know.
I thought the root of all of my problems was lack of self-confidence. The depression, anxiety, the food problems.
But they're still here.
The anxiety's worse than it's ever been.

...so what am I supposed to do?

ALSO I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING AWESOME

I remember in a recent post I said that seeing any bones whatsoever, even on healthy people were really triggering. BUT the other night I realized that when I see my um, not-exactly-boyfriend/boy-I'm-talking-to's bones I can appreciate how beautiful they are but not in the triggering way, just in the way that I think his body is beautiful and his hipbones and elbows and etc are beautiful. But in the way that I know my body is beautiful too, however not-bony it is. I think this is a good step, don't you? I'm glad that I can find bones aesthetically pleasing now without them triggering me.

Did I ever mention how this boy is the most beautiful human being alive?
Yeah, well.
He is.
: D

Bahh, had my for real for real evaluation today and apparently they have to process it or whatever to figure out what kind of help I need and that it won't happen for like three weeks by which time the semester will be ending and then I was kinda hoping I'd be moving back home by then. So I have to talk to the dean and essentially convince her that I'm miserable enough to take the semester off. So hopefully I can get that sorted out soon and I'll just have to seek counseling back home. It sucks because counseling at my school would have been free and this will cost money and I should have seen a counselor much earlier but whatevs. I need to stop worrying about money and do what I need to do for myself.

I was actually surprised at how concerned with my safety this counselor was. The other one kind of could just tell from my demeanor that I was alright but this woman was actually really concerned about the fact that the counseling center would be closed over fall break and wanted to make sure I would be okay and stuff, which was nice of her but it was sort of like... I dunno, weird.

BUT
Even though I haven't really gone to class in two weeks,
at least NOW IT'S THANKSGIVING BREAK WOOO
No actual school until next Monday!
Yayyyy!

And it's a Thanksgiving where I actually feel okay about eating!

...provided my mother buys me lots of raw vegetables that I can snack on. Haha.

I went to the counselor, had to do like three evaluations, one being a safety evaluation where I was supposed to convince the psychologist that I wasn't going to kill myself any time soon. I mentioned that I used to cut and she asked where and if I could show her and she wanted to know when I thought about suicide and how long the thoughts lasted and what specifically I thought about. It all felt very invasive and uncomfortable and it bothered me that all the ladies at the front desk knew I was suicidal just because of the fact that I said so on my paperwork and they all knew I was getting a safety assessment because that's the only reason they ever immediately send someone to talk to the psychologist. Bleh. On top of that the place was IMPOSSIBLE to find, it was raining and windy and I had no umbrella or hood and I was wearing canvas shoes and I had to walk through two really sketchy blocks to get there and I just felt like everyone in the waiting room knew everything about me and ugh. I'm going in for an "initial assessment" or something at 11 tomorrow which means having to wake up earlier + being late for Philosophy, bleh.

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO ASK IF IT WAS OK IF I DROPPED OUT TEMPORARILY
blah
Apparently I have to go talk to the dean of students about that, but I reeeeaaaaaally don't think it's a problem. But anyway.

Um.

So tomorrow morning might be really bad.

Thanks for the comments on the last post. I'm going to go to my school's counseling center next week, maybe Monday but Tuesday at the latest as you have to do an evaluation which is supposed to take 50 minutes and I'm not sure I have the time on Monday. I would have gone today but I couldn't bring myself to it. I haven't been to school in three days, ugh. My school has psychiatric services too, which is cool. I guess it's good to know I'm using my student fees for SOMETHING because heaven knows I have yet to go to the rec center...

I've also decided pretty absolutely that I'm taking a semester off to deal with all of this shit and get my head clear. I really left for school too early. My initial plan was to not have gone THIS semester and to get some kind of treatment and start in the spring. I KNEW that's what I had to do and I didn't. And look at me, now I'm doing  it, just a little backwards. I never feel too good about my decisions but I actually think for once I'm making a really good choice.

BUT I'm not sure if taking one semester and then one off is going to mess up my credits or something, so when I go to the counselor I can ask them about that or at least ask who I should talk to about it. I plan on coming back to the same school next fall though, so I don't THINK it'll be a problem. If it will, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I just really, really, really can't live this way. I mean, if it wasn't affecting me academically I'd try to wait it out another semester, but I know if I even attempt another semester I'm going to fail everything. So I'm going to move back home where it's safe and where I'll be around people I love. I can get a job and save up and actually get my license/a car so I don't have to have this fucking ridiculous commute and so that I can actually go hang out with people and have friends. And I can go to therapy, or whatever I need to do to figure out what made me this way and how I can get over it. Because I'm fucking ready to get over it. I've wasted my life thus far, because I've never given myself the chance to face my problems. I've suppressed them and let them build up, thinking they'd go away but knowing they'd just get worse and worse. I can be with my family and I'll be 40 minutes away from my best friends as opposed to 4 hours.

I just need some time to deal with things, and I can't put it off anymore.

So I have like, 35 days left of living here. I'll be counting down. I can't wait to move back home.

I think I need to go to the doctor for my anxiety.

So, like... what SHOULDN'T I tell them? Should I leave out the suicidal thoughts and eating disorder? What about the self-injury? What's really safe to tell them? At what point will they try to recommend someone for inpatient or whatever? I'm 18 so they can't tell my parents anything right? But I'm still on my parent's insurance, can they tell them then? Can they force you to go to the hospital ever? If you're suicidal? What if you're only a little suicidal? Tell me these things because I don't know.

Also I get free counseling sessions at school. Well, I get 15 anyway, then group sessions are limitless. Should I try those first?