I can't believe I ever let myself believe that I didn't deserve love or happiness unless I was skinny.

I can't believe I spent my whole life buying into the bullshit that society tries to brainwash and control me with.

Society wants us to be fucking tiny and weak and hungry, society wants us to spend so much time obsessing over calories and our bodies that we don't have time to actually contribute to the world or to expand our minds positively, because society feels that we as women must be weak and must stay at home. Well, fuck that. Fuck that patriarchal beauty standard that tells me that as a woman I must be delicate and weak.

I will be big and strong and subversive. My body is fucking perfect exactly how it is. The whole concept of "flaws" only serves to sell us products and control us. There's a lot of fucking money at stake when it comes to convincing people they need to lose weight. If people were happy with the way they looked, the diet industry would go bankrupt. And think about it, every weight-loss related thing you see is trying to establish and perpetuate a norm that ultimately sells a product. We're all being fucking controlled. They're setting up these bullshit norms that make us hate ourselves to sell a fucking product.

Aren't we worth more than that?


I don't know why I thought somehow starving myself towards organ failure was somehow more healthy than being overweight. Even though that's bullshit. Even though there are actually studies that show that a lot of the health risks supposedly related to obesity are actually caused by starvation--you know, dieting. Dieting isn't fucking healthy, but somehow people decided that they just fucking hate fat people so much that they'd convince them that doing something really unhealthy (dieting) would actually make them healthy... what kind of fucking logic is that? The 'health at any size' movement is actually supported by the fucking surgeon general and yet it's not widely recognized by the general population. Why? Because health-at-any-size can't sell you as many fucking products.


I'm rambling now.
But basically I just saw one of my sort-of friends get reblogged on a thinspo site and I looked at the site and it was really fucking triggering especially when I saw a reblog from that confessionsabouteatingdisorders Tumblr that was like "I get confused when I see fat people that are happy."


Because you know, it is normalized that fat people should be unhappy.
Why?
Because society tells us that somehow, your weight can determine whether or not you are fucking human.


Seriously, fuck that, fuck everything.


And you know why I'm so fucking pissed off?


Because no matter how positive I am about my body, I still have disordered eating.

Because it's fucking impossible to fully recover from an eating disorder in a diet culture.
And I will spend the rest of my life fighting sizeist bigotry and diet culture, because I want all of us to live.

Eh, poop.

I'm allowing myself 968 calories today. The problem is that we have very little food in the house/very little low-calorie food in the house. Also I'm vegan (now? again?) so that limits my choices even further. POOOOOP.

OH GOD

I JUST WEIGHED MYSELF
RECOVERY OVER
I DON'T MIND BEING FAT BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS FAT
I JUST
NO
I DON'T.
I JUST DON'T.
GRANTED I'M FULL OF WATER AND FOOD BUT LIKE....
okay end caps lock.

I'm moving in a month. As of now I'm not going to hold myself accountable for my disordered actions for one month.

I made a bunch of black bean veggie burgers (made out of black bean, shredded potatoes, bread crumbs, spices and an egg to hold it together--so these should be good for carby/protein cravings) and I froze all of them so they'll last me a long time. And by that I mean so I can put off eating them indefinitely. D:

Oh dear.

A fast would feel so nice today, but so would, y'know, eating. D: I mean, I really don't want to relapse but it still bothers me that I can't just switch it on and off. I didn't eat much yesterday (really not on purpose) and I feel like whatever negative caloric balance I'm at right now is giving me intense cravings for bread and potatoes. Like, I literally ate a potato sandwich for breakfast... at like 4:30 am because my sleeping pattern is messed up. I should really just be eating fresh food but god, the cravings. Plus all we have is lemons, big carrots and celery. Which you know, don't sound very appealing when I'm having cravings for delicious carbyness. I feel like I could get away with not eating if I had something yummy to drink like diet coke but I don't. This post was pretty useless, I'm sorry.

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

Me today:

*cleaning room*

Hmmm, I sure have a whole lot of trash in here.
*pauses*

*eyes widen*
*HORRIBLE REALIZATION*

*SUPER DRAMATIC MUSIC*
OH GOD IT'S BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HOARDING FOOD AGAIN WITHOUT REALIZING IT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK! WHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

no food

no sleeeeeeeeeeeep