I'm really sorry for this you guys but:

You may not love me anymore and maybe you never loved me but you made my cunt your cell phone wallpaper even though you're dating someone and frankly I don't believe that you can love my body as much as you do without loving the person inside of it because so much of physical attraction arises because of emotional attraction and if you're still putting me on your list of sexual priorities over your girlfriend you can't really care too much about her can you? I think you're only staying with her because you feel like it's too soon to get back together with me. I know that's a lie. I know letting this happen is bad but I want you so much and you'd been planning on cheating on her anyway with me. I know when I stopped it you said 'thanks for stopping me from doing something I know I'd regret' but I think you'd regret giving up on me so much more. 


I have a feeling my ED is about to come back because I hate myself again. I'm fucking disgusting.

Sometimes it confuses me when blogspot is not like Tumblr

lollll

I'm like "WHY CAN'T I REBLOG THIS" haha

I'm gaining weight I think.... I don't know how, I just feel like I'm getting bigger. Well just my belly, my lower belly. I don't know. I'm really tempted to tell my mom about my ED just so she'll shut the fuck up about dieting for two seconds because it's really fucking triggering and it's ALL SHE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT.

Goddamnit

I just woke up and I'm too afraid to leave my room because I'm too afraid to eat. I'm too afraid to get off of my bed to get up and let my cat out of the room because outside of the room it gets closer to food. I'm too afraid to get up and take a shower because that brings me closer to breakfast time. I can just put it off and off and off... I'm sure I'm going to eat. It's just fucked that I'm afraid to. And I don't know why.

Thanks for the comments, you guys. <333

I ended up breaking up with/being broken up with the person I was dating, and I feel like shit but honestly feeling like shit over a breakup is a much more bearable feeling than what I was feeling before... before it was like, anxiety and feeling crazy, now I'm really sad and confused but at least it's a feeling that everyone relates to, so I don't feel as alone. I mean, I still feel lonely because I thought this person was going to be "it" and now things are going to be really, really different... but this is my first real heartbreak. It had to happen sometime. And I feel much closer to my friends now, they've been taking care of me. One of my best friends drove down here and picked me up and took me to do stuff and I slept at her dorm and etc., and hung out with some of her friends, and hung out with my other best friend who let me cry to her pathetically on the phone, and today I'm hanging out with another friend. I dunno, I guess people are more sympathetic because they can understand what I'm feeling better. But I'm just glad people are taking care of me for a bit, I think I needed that.

In the next few days me and my ex-whatever are going to be talking through stuff more, and I'm hoping we work something out that feels better than this. Who knows.

Something odd happened to me today. I got angry and couldn't calm myself down for hours. I started thinking of worse things than I usually think and I felt evil. And it was scary, and I'm afraid of a lot of things now... like I thought/think there were/are bad spirits in my room and I had to put something in every corner of my room because I think if I don't I'll see something standing there in the night and I need to cover the chairs because if I don't something might be sitting there. I feel like everything's evil. And I always thought I was okay if I never thought of doing things that might hurt other people, but I did and I'm scared and it feels like something dirty or demonic entered my body and put those thoughts there. I just had a bit of a breakdown I think, for a few hours. My mom came to my door and apologized but she doesn't have time to entertain me or make me feel better and she can't afford to send me to a doctor. I remember her looking short in my doorway. I was standing in my room wild-eyed and confused at the mess and was thinking how much better it would make things if a friend would just call me and acted like they gave a shit and then my phone rang and holy shit, it was the counseling services from university calling to set up treatment. I could feel myself starting to cry at the fucked up timing and quickly spit out "I actually am home this semester, so I'm not in the city anymore" so I couldn't go to counseling. The lady on the phone said something and at some point said something like "Well I'm calling to just make sure that everything is going as you've planned." but it was one of those statements that was more like a question. And I just said "Alright well thanks." And she paused awkwardly because I could tell she was expecting an answer as to whether or not things were actually going well, and said bye, and I hung up without saying goodbye back because I was starting to cry. Then I thought of all the times adults in my life could have really helped me had they just fucking pursued the question for longer than a second.

I almost cut myself up but then I remembered that I'm not mad at myself, I'm mad at other people so I shouldn't be taking it out on my body, because my body seems to be the only thing that's good to me anymore. I should instead be calling people up and telling them off, asking them where the fuck were you all those nights I fucking needed someone and you were too fucking busy? And why the fuck is everyone too busy for me? Really, what am I doing wrong that enables everyone to treat me like shit?

Instead of hurting myself or creating any sort of confrontation, I put my aggressive energy into cleaning the shit out of my room and putting some stuff on my wall/ceiling, and organizing some stuff.

I wrote my suicide note. All it says is "Fuck capitalist healthcare."
I'm not really suicidal, I figured, you know, feeling like a clever asshole tonight. Actually if I were really going to kill myself I'd also enclose the contact information for a few friends who would need to know but would be unreachable otherwise.

Oh man, it's really hard to keep track of what I'm eating when my sleeping pattern is so fucked up I can't even figure out what day it is (or rather, what day my body thinks it is). I just woke up at midnight after sleeping since 5 and I don't know if I'm up for the day, ugh.