Oh dear.

A fast would feel so nice today, but so would, y'know, eating. D: I mean, I really don't want to relapse but it still bothers me that I can't just switch it on and off. I didn't eat much yesterday (really not on purpose) and I feel like whatever negative caloric balance I'm at right now is giving me intense cravings for bread and potatoes. Like, I literally ate a potato sandwich for breakfast... at like 4:30 am because my sleeping pattern is messed up. I should really just be eating fresh food but god, the cravings. Plus all we have is lemons, big carrots and celery. Which you know, don't sound very appealing when I'm having cravings for delicious carbyness. I feel like I could get away with not eating if I had something yummy to drink like diet coke but I don't. This post was pretty useless, I'm sorry.

RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

Me today:

*cleaning room*

Hmmm, I sure have a whole lot of trash in here.
*pauses*

*eyes widen*
*HORRIBLE REALIZATION*

*SUPER DRAMATIC MUSIC*
OH GOD IT'S BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HOARDING FOOD AGAIN WITHOUT REALIZING IT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK! WHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

no food

no sleeeeeeeeeeeep

I'm really sorry for this you guys but:

You may not love me anymore and maybe you never loved me but you made my cunt your cell phone wallpaper even though you're dating someone and frankly I don't believe that you can love my body as much as you do without loving the person inside of it because so much of physical attraction arises because of emotional attraction and if you're still putting me on your list of sexual priorities over your girlfriend you can't really care too much about her can you? I think you're only staying with her because you feel like it's too soon to get back together with me. I know that's a lie. I know letting this happen is bad but I want you so much and you'd been planning on cheating on her anyway with me. I know when I stopped it you said 'thanks for stopping me from doing something I know I'd regret' but I think you'd regret giving up on me so much more. 


I have a feeling my ED is about to come back because I hate myself again. I'm fucking disgusting.

Sometimes it confuses me when blogspot is not like Tumblr

lollll

I'm like "WHY CAN'T I REBLOG THIS" haha

I'm gaining weight I think.... I don't know how, I just feel like I'm getting bigger. Well just my belly, my lower belly. I don't know. I'm really tempted to tell my mom about my ED just so she'll shut the fuck up about dieting for two seconds because it's really fucking triggering and it's ALL SHE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT.

Goddamnit

I just woke up and I'm too afraid to leave my room because I'm too afraid to eat. I'm too afraid to get off of my bed to get up and let my cat out of the room because outside of the room it gets closer to food. I'm too afraid to get up and take a shower because that brings me closer to breakfast time. I can just put it off and off and off... I'm sure I'm going to eat. It's just fucked that I'm afraid to. And I don't know why.