Trying not to eat. Just trying, trying, trying, and failing miserably.

I have like three containers of frozen 50 calorie apple sauce, two cans of green beans and an appalling amount of hoarded diet soda. That's like, 300 calories or so, so if that's all I have for the rest of the day I should be okay.

I'm trying to find a way to express that I'm much less depressed today than in my last post, but for some reason everything I say just sounds bummed. I'm about to graduate, you know? I have this boy that I like and for once I'm not too nervous to talk to him. I have a bunch of people that I'll actually hang out with this summer. I've been so much more comfortable around people lately and people have been responding very well to me. I got my yearbook yesterday and for the first time ever, I'm actually having trouble with having too many signatures in it. I'm basically being awesome in every way except for this eating thing. I hate that my eating disorder doesn't discriminate. It will make me do disordered things, regardless of whether that thing is eating or not eating. How terribly annoying.

I had the worst nightmare today during my morning nap... I was binging in the kitchen (naked except for a towel that wasn't big enough to cover me... this seems horribly symbolic) and I was putting a veggie burger in the microwave when all of a sudden I hit some button that made the microwave go into "self-cleaning mode" which meant it started spewing water and soap out of it and it took all of my power just to hold the door shut. But it was still getting everywhere and my brother came in to help me clean it up, and I remember in my dream how fast my heart was racing and how much I panicked.

My binges have changed. They are now moments of terror. They used to be just episodes of mindless eating, sometimes rapid mindless eating. Now... when I do it, I shake, my mind is racing 100 miles-per-hour and the slightest indication that someone might be coming into the room is enough to give me a heart attack. I sit on the verge of tears, shoving food in my mouth, cooking food with a desperate speed... I've become terrified of doing it. But does that mean I will no longer do it? I can only hope.