In addition:

You fucking tell me about how you dislike certain people, and yet,

I am fucking sick
I am your fucking best friend
I have not talked to you since Wednesday,
and that's only because we have that class together,

and you are talking to those people, those you tell me that you dislike,
and you're not talking to me.

Your boyfriend and I talk more than you and I do.
That will never cease to seem fucked up to me.

I just wanted you to be there for me once. 

I end up in this place all the time. I was going to write a blog post about how terrible my relationships with other people make me feel, but I decided that it would be more efficient for me to draw a graph.

See below: Graph Of My Confidence and Happiness in My Friendships Over Time

As you can see, the graph begins with a short period of stability. This is what I will (for a short time) believe to be loneliness. Then I have an ok day, and my feelings of confidence and happiness in my friendships increases a little. Then something happens like my best friend blowing me off for no good reason and there's a dip in my happiness, followed by a period that's lower than the initial period of loneliness. I thus have entered a state of loneliness I was previously unaware existed. After a bit of a rocky climb back to happiness, you see that I stay at a high point for quite some time. This state may have been reached by a series of heart-to-hearts, a sleepover, or even something as simple as getting phone calls on a regular basis. I feel really confident in my friendships at this point: I'm not paranoid they're talking behind my back, I feel like I can talk to them about stuff. Then something happens, for example, my best friend blowing me off three times in one weekend for no good reason, or maybe not calling or even texting me once while I've been deathly ill for the past three days even though she has plenty of time to talk to everyone else in the world, and I drop into a low that I never knew existed. I think, for a period of time, that this is absolute loneliness. Usually at this point, something gets my hopes up and I return back to a fleeting moment of stability and happiness in my friendships, only  to drop right back down to "absolute" loneliness... which, after a while, is followed by another decrease in confidence and happiness in my friendships, which is even lonelier than I thought my most lonely point was. This is when the graph ends, because this is the point where I decide that I don't have any friends and it's not like I even gave a fuck anyway. The graph stops here because to have a Graph of Confidence and Happiness Of My Friendships Over Time, I would need to actually, y'know, have friends, which I don't. 

I feel empty. I need Ana. I need her to wrap a blanket around me again, take me into the other world.

Never have I ever...

...wanted to stay sick so badly! The more I get better, the more I want to eat. I think this is like a sinus infection or something, but it's also making it so I get full after 2 seconds and then want to throw up. It's legit. But I felt better today and almost binged, damnit. Maybe I should skip my medicine? Except that I have the SAT tomorrow, bahhh.

I'm sick as fuck. I take the SAT on Saturday. I have a week left in the semester and now will have more work to  make up than I even have time for. Bright side? I can't eat. Bahahahahaha!

It's weird, weird, weird here. A huge part of me has moved on from this, and has done so at a rapid, inexplicable speed. But there's still a big part of me that is still sick -- and even still a part of me that wants to be sick. I won't deny it. But what has changed? I no longer depend on this blog, thinspiration pictures or sites anymore. Sometimes I try to blog and have nothing to say. The thinspo girls I knew by name are now complete strangers. What changed?

Well, I feel completely alienated by this community. Not because of any fault in the community itself, it's just, I guess my priorities have shifted, even though when I say that, it doesn't sound right... food is still my obsession and thin is still my dream. I guess I've just figured out how to fit more passions in this head of mine. A few weeks ago, at lunch a few girls next to me were complaining about how many calories were in their food. I had a number of reactions to this. My first was a thought: Just shut the fuck up and stop complaining. If you're worried about calories, just don't fucking eat. The following reaction was a strong desire to jump into the conversation, to share my tips, knowledge... oh boy, I knew I could just overwhelm all of them with information on low-calorie foods that they had never even known about... But I was hesitant, for some reason. In that moment I could have easily been one of them. I could have exceeded them. I could have belonged, damnit. But I chose, somewhat defiantly, to stand alone.

As an afterthought, I threw my two cents in, somewhat awkwardly and out-of-place in the conversation: "You know, pickles only have a few calories, plus the vinegar in them is supposed to speed up your metabolism." Followed by their responses of oh reallys and wow that's cools.

It was only then that the real hatred started bubbling up.

I wanted to scream and shake them and maybe shake myself and roar with every ounce of my being, "You are stupid fucking girls! There are more important things to worry about than how many fucking calories are in your fucking tortilla! You make me sick!" I wanted nothing to do with them. It's hard to even explain just how much I wanted to separate myself from their conversation, their shallow frame of mind.

I turned away and talked to my friend about music and art and futures and growing our own vegetables. Things that matter to me. Things that seem to expand my brain, not shrink it to the size of a single calorie. I've been thinking about those things a lot more lately. I can't bring myself to get on the scale. I feel huge and inappropriate. But I don't know, I feel different, somehow. But still completely helpless. I started this post yesterday and I'm finishing it today in a completely different mood. I forget how I was trying to end it.

When I reach my UGW I'm going to chop all my hair off.