It's weird, weird, weird here. A huge part of me has moved on from this, and has done so at a rapid, inexplicable speed. But there's still a big part of me that is still sick -- and even still a part of me that wants to be sick. I won't deny it. But what has changed? I no longer depend on this blog, thinspiration pictures or sites anymore. Sometimes I try to blog and have nothing to say. The thinspo girls I knew by name are now complete strangers. What changed?

Well, I feel completely alienated by this community. Not because of any fault in the community itself, it's just, I guess my priorities have shifted, even though when I say that, it doesn't sound right... food is still my obsession and thin is still my dream. I guess I've just figured out how to fit more passions in this head of mine. A few weeks ago, at lunch a few girls next to me were complaining about how many calories were in their food. I had a number of reactions to this. My first was a thought: Just shut the fuck up and stop complaining. If you're worried about calories, just don't fucking eat. The following reaction was a strong desire to jump into the conversation, to share my tips, knowledge... oh boy, I knew I could just overwhelm all of them with information on low-calorie foods that they had never even known about... But I was hesitant, for some reason. In that moment I could have easily been one of them. I could have exceeded them. I could have belonged, damnit. But I chose, somewhat defiantly, to stand alone.

As an afterthought, I threw my two cents in, somewhat awkwardly and out-of-place in the conversation: "You know, pickles only have a few calories, plus the vinegar in them is supposed to speed up your metabolism." Followed by their responses of oh reallys and wow that's cools.

It was only then that the real hatred started bubbling up.

I wanted to scream and shake them and maybe shake myself and roar with every ounce of my being, "You are stupid fucking girls! There are more important things to worry about than how many fucking calories are in your fucking tortilla! You make me sick!" I wanted nothing to do with them. It's hard to even explain just how much I wanted to separate myself from their conversation, their shallow frame of mind.

I turned away and talked to my friend about music and art and futures and growing our own vegetables. Things that matter to me. Things that seem to expand my brain, not shrink it to the size of a single calorie. I've been thinking about those things a lot more lately. I can't bring myself to get on the scale. I feel huge and inappropriate. But I don't know, I feel different, somehow. But still completely helpless. I started this post yesterday and I'm finishing it today in a completely different mood. I forget how I was trying to end it.