Umm, maybe I haven't eaten enough today, maybe I won't eat enough today... when I was still deep in the midst of my ED, when I was on my period I used it as an excuse to let myself eat way more than usual... can I just reverse that now? I can give myself a break from eating because I'm crampy and I don't feel good and I want to lie in bed all day and getting up to get food would require getting out of bed? Good plan. Okay it's a terrible plan. Bah.

I'm starting to like and accept my body but goddamnit it's hard when I constantly see it as something different. And when I always see it as bigger than it is. I've found pictures of people and what size they are and I'll see women two sizes bigger than me but I'm like, what the fuck? I'm at least twice as big as them. Right? Right? The world is playing tricks on me. Or my eyes are. Even if I could always see myself as bigger than I am that would be okay, because then I could at least have ONE body image to accept. None of this "OMG I look so great today, oh my my, is that my waist? What a nice waist!" then "OMG I'M A SACK OF BLUBBER." But even if I could always see the sack of blubber at least I could learn to accept that without my eyes randomly deciding it'd be fun to get my hopes up. Blah. This doesn't make any sense, does it?

Cramps. Hurt. Pain. Ow. I need to study for history.

This is hard. I've decided to give up on recovery at least 3 times today, and each time convinced myself otherwise, grudgingly. I never realized how triggering, oh, EVERYTHING EVER is. And thank all of you so much for your support. Believe me I'd like nothing more than to slip back into this world, to be sick again, and who knows, I might be rejoining you soon. But I know I need to get better. Even though part of me feels like I never really hit "rock bottom" and that I need to do that before I can really recover. I guess doing this with thoughts that I'll certainly fail isn't a good idea. I still want to be emaciated. I still want to be skinny verging on death. I still want to live off of diet Coke and carrots. I want to be sick. But I know I can't be sick and happy. And I need to be happy right now. My mind is tired and really needs a break.

Part of me feels weird that so much of my motivation to overcome my ED depends on this boy. It's because I love him, and I want this to work. I don't want to be miserable and I don't want to make him miserable. I don't want all the shitty mental delusions that this ED brings to cause me to sabotage this relationship. Plus, he tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him... well I 75% believe him. But what if this ends? Will all of this disappear? I know there's a chance, but I really don't think so. I think he's a very special person that made me realize that I'm a great, wonderful and in some ways very attractive person, and I don't think that thought will ever change if he goes away. But I don't think he's going to go away. I seriously laid everything out in front of him (well not the cutting, but he knows about the ED and my weird paranoid delusions, my obsession and dreamed-up monsters, the being suicidal, etc) and nothing scared him off. He even said that this was going to be hard. He knows I'm going to be difficult, and yet he hasn't been scared off. That's fucking amazing.

I guess this is a recovery blog now.

Oh goddamnit, I'm not going to fucking let this ruin me anymore. Never fucking again. Dear ED you will NOT ruin my self-confidence, you will NOT ruin my body and goddamnit you abso-fucking-lutely will not ruin my first relationship. You're making me fucking paranoid so I overthink things and then I can't be comfortable so I can't talk then I get boring and it gets awkward and the poor boy can never focus on anything and YOU you fucking shitty paranoia-inducing ED, YOU make me take it personally and you make me cry and want to starve myself. You tell me to puke and I do, painfully and violently because of fucking what? A fucking picture? FUCK YOU. You used to make me think there were monsters living in my body and that the only way to get rid of them was to starve them out. But I'm realizing more and more that the only fucking monster was you. So I'm going to get rid of YOU by being positive and being good to myself, by being accepting and patient and certainly not paranoid and I'm going to nourish my body with endless raw fruits and vegetables until I have the cleanest, purest, HEALTHIEST AND WELL-NOURISHED BODY EVER. God. This is such a fucking joke. Guys... I wasted so much time. I wasted so much fucking time on this fucking ED. No-fucking-more. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm not going to let this ruin my life again.

I share a wall with my neighbors--my bathroom, their bedroom. I can hear them fuck and they can hear me puke. God-fucking-damnit. Today was supposed to be good.

I think I'm in love. I don't hate myself anymore. I fucking love myself. Or rather, I'm learning to. Someone loves me and I believe them, I don't try and talk them out of it, I don't question why they love me, why they care about me, why they can't get enough of talking to me or why they think I'm attractive. I don't question those things because I let him believe those things and I believe those things so it makes them true. He doesn't know about my disordered eating and I don't want him to know, not yet. Not until I lose a little more weight. I say "disordered eating" now because I don't really think I have an eating disorder anymore. I don't have it in me to hate myself enough to perpetuate this illness any longer. It faded away, enormously. But it's not GONE. It's now just a part of my life rather than being my whole life. But it's a big enough part that even when I'm writing about how in love I am, talk of the ED is still intertwined. It can't go away completely. But I want it gone. But only after I lose a little more weight. I'm triggered so easily it's ridiculous. Oh my god, it's fucking ridiculous. I just want to have this for a little while longer, isn't that okay? Isn't it okay that I'm not ready to give up just yet? It can't get that bad because now I love myself and I don't want to hurt myself anymore. But I need to do this just a little longer. Maybe a month, or two. Then I can recover, officially.

But I'm just so afraid that if I let myself do this again, if I let myself fall into this that I may fall too deeply and ruin this. Ana would kill every relationship I have if I let her. And I love this boy. And what fucking baffles me the most about all of this is that it's a healthy love. It's not obsessive and it's not poisonous. It is healthy, supportive, beautiful love. My first love. I'm in a very happy place, a very special time of my life and I don't even think I'll be able to realize the full scope of how epic it is for another few years. But I love being like this. I'm happy. I love myself. I fucking love myself. I love this boy. He loves me. But there's this little whisper of a voice that hisses don't eat...

So... I haven't been eating much lately because I've been too happy and excited. But the not eating, regardless of the reason, perpetuates itself, and it's starting to make me unhappy...

two apples salad diet coke phone sex no sleep everyone thinks you're crazy because you are.