I think I'm in love. I don't hate myself anymore. I fucking love myself. Or rather, I'm learning to. Someone loves me and I believe them, I don't try and talk them out of it, I don't question why they love me, why they care about me, why they can't get enough of talking to me or why they think I'm attractive. I don't question those things because I let him believe those things and I believe those things so it makes them true. He doesn't know about my disordered eating and I don't want him to know, not yet. Not until I lose a little more weight. I say "disordered eating" now because I don't really think I have an eating disorder anymore. I don't have it in me to hate myself enough to perpetuate this illness any longer. It faded away, enormously. But it's not GONE. It's now just a part of my life rather than being my whole life. But it's a big enough part that even when I'm writing about how in love I am, talk of the ED is still intertwined. It can't go away completely. But I want it gone. But only after I lose a little more weight. I'm triggered so easily it's ridiculous. Oh my god, it's fucking ridiculous. I just want to have this for a little while longer, isn't that okay? Isn't it okay that I'm not ready to give up just yet? It can't get that bad because now I love myself and I don't want to hurt myself anymore. But I need to do this just a little longer. Maybe a month, or two. Then I can recover, officially.

But I'm just so afraid that if I let myself do this again, if I let myself fall into this that I may fall too deeply and ruin this. Ana would kill every relationship I have if I let her. And I love this boy. And what fucking baffles me the most about all of this is that it's a healthy love. It's not obsessive and it's not poisonous. It is healthy, supportive, beautiful love. My first love. I'm in a very happy place, a very special time of my life and I don't even think I'll be able to realize the full scope of how epic it is for another few years. But I love being like this. I'm happy. I love myself. I fucking love myself. I love this boy. He loves me. But there's this little whisper of a voice that hisses don't eat...