This is hard. I've decided to give up on recovery at least 3 times today, and each time convinced myself otherwise, grudgingly. I never realized how triggering, oh, EVERYTHING EVER is. And thank all of you so much for your support. Believe me I'd like nothing more than to slip back into this world, to be sick again, and who knows, I might be rejoining you soon. But I know I need to get better. Even though part of me feels like I never really hit "rock bottom" and that I need to do that before I can really recover. I guess doing this with thoughts that I'll certainly fail isn't a good idea. I still want to be emaciated. I still want to be skinny verging on death. I still want to live off of diet Coke and carrots. I want to be sick. But I know I can't be sick and happy. And I need to be happy right now. My mind is tired and really needs a break.

Part of me feels weird that so much of my motivation to overcome my ED depends on this boy. It's because I love him, and I want this to work. I don't want to be miserable and I don't want to make him miserable. I don't want all the shitty mental delusions that this ED brings to cause me to sabotage this relationship. Plus, he tells me I'm beautiful, and I believe him... well I 75% believe him. But what if this ends? Will all of this disappear? I know there's a chance, but I really don't think so. I think he's a very special person that made me realize that I'm a great, wonderful and in some ways very attractive person, and I don't think that thought will ever change if he goes away. But I don't think he's going to go away. I seriously laid everything out in front of him (well not the cutting, but he knows about the ED and my weird paranoid delusions, my obsession and dreamed-up monsters, the being suicidal, etc) and nothing scared him off. He even said that this was going to be hard. He knows I'm going to be difficult, and yet he hasn't been scared off. That's fucking amazing.

I guess this is a recovery blog now.