Trying not to eat. Just trying, trying, trying, and failing miserably.

I have like three containers of frozen 50 calorie apple sauce, two cans of green beans and an appalling amount of hoarded diet soda. That's like, 300 calories or so, so if that's all I have for the rest of the day I should be okay.

I'm trying to find a way to express that I'm much less depressed today than in my last post, but for some reason everything I say just sounds bummed. I'm about to graduate, you know? I have this boy that I like and for once I'm not too nervous to talk to him. I have a bunch of people that I'll actually hang out with this summer. I've been so much more comfortable around people lately and people have been responding very well to me. I got my yearbook yesterday and for the first time ever, I'm actually having trouble with having too many signatures in it. I'm basically being awesome in every way except for this eating thing. I hate that my eating disorder doesn't discriminate. It will make me do disordered things, regardless of whether that thing is eating or not eating. How terribly annoying.

I had the worst nightmare today during my morning nap... I was binging in the kitchen (naked except for a towel that wasn't big enough to cover me... this seems horribly symbolic) and I was putting a veggie burger in the microwave when all of a sudden I hit some button that made the microwave go into "self-cleaning mode" which meant it started spewing water and soap out of it and it took all of my power just to hold the door shut. But it was still getting everywhere and my brother came in to help me clean it up, and I remember in my dream how fast my heart was racing and how much I panicked.

My binges have changed. They are now moments of terror. They used to be just episodes of mindless eating, sometimes rapid mindless eating. Now... when I do it, I shake, my mind is racing 100 miles-per-hour and the slightest indication that someone might be coming into the room is enough to give me a heart attack. I sit on the verge of tears, shoving food in my mouth, cooking food with a desperate speed... I've become terrified of doing it. But does that mean I will no longer do it? I can only hope.

You probably won't die by shoving food down your throat as fast as you possibly can, unless you're lucky enough to choke... but what if for one moment you truly believe that inhaling the fatty mush fast enough will kill you? Did you really try to kill yourself, however misguided your method was? Is it scarier that I just tried to kill myself or is it scarier that I truly and wholeheartedly thought I could do it instantly just by eating fast? What was that again, "magical thinking"? Delirium. Desperation. Exhaustion. Apathy. The insatiable appetite to kill myself using my appetite.

Severe depression. The only place it takes you is back to bed.

Maybe sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and see a startling resemblance to Miss Piggy. Maybe sometimes you kill yourself. Maybe sometimes you feel that you are inexplicably covered in shit, and you keep showering trying to get it off but every time you look in the mirror you see a spot you missed. Maybe sometimes you cut yourself, or maybe sometimes you starve yourself so you don't have to cut yourself, but maybe sometimes you're a fat piece of shit and can't starve yourself so you have to cut yourself again.

I've been binging. Well not really binging, just being incapable of restricting. I work tomorrow so I'm not going to eat anything all day, then go to work early so I can eat a salad from my work before I start my shift, then while working I'll drink a lot of unsweet tea and diet coke (I'm under the impression that we get drinks free; I hope I'm right about this) and nothing afterwards. I'm slipping just a little back into restrictive eating habits--only wanting to eat "safe" foods, constantly tracing my ribcage... but I can't deny the fact that a lot of wanting to starve comes as a side effect from the actual starvation. So if you're not starving you're missing out on a lot of the feelings that perpetuates the starving itself. I'm overdoing the water again. I really don't know why I do this.

I think I'm going to cut myself tonight. What an odd statement to make but yeah, I think I will.

Without the violently exaggerated emotions that come from starvation, I feel feelingless.

Ew, I fucked up today, again, like every other day, like I've been doing for the past week. I ate more raw food today than usual but it was in the midst of a ton of other food. I think I'm not going to start the detox until Wednesday, but I have a plan for the next two days:

Breakfast - 1 cup almond milk (60)
After school - natural/sugar free apple sauce (50)
Dinner - Udon noodles (210)
Pre-bed snack - apple sauce (50)
TOTAL:  370

I'm doing a low number for these two days because I don't work until Wednesday (at least I'm assuming I work on Wednesday). Then I'll start the raw detox so that I'll feel ok about eating more food if it means not shaking/getting nauseas at work (which is what happened today, of course before I came home and ate a bunch of food I didn't need).

I'm going to be chugging copious amounts of water tonight so that I can feel good (empty) for tomorrow.

Also, hi email buddies? I know I haven't emailed any of you more than like, once because last week was super busy... but now for some reason I can't log into my account. Like none of my passwords are working. It's weird, I dunno.

I am in serious need of a raw food detox right now. I feel like shit. Sorry I haven't been posting much lately; I had AP testing last week, but now that's over. : )