I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know.
Fast fast fast fast fast fast fast fast fast because I literally DON'T KNOW how to live without being miserable, and not being miserable makes me miserable...

Trigger

I know a girl who's anorexic. Or rather, she must be very, very close to being one. I can tell by the lack of life behind her eyes... okay among other things. She just posted a picture of a girl with an extremely noticeable spine/ribcage, and captioned it "This hair color is perfect." Okay, yeah. And it was linked back to three obviously pro-ana blogs. What's weirder is that then I realized that after those blogs, the girl had actually reblogged it from a DIFFERENT girl I know, which raises all kinds of questions about that girl, too.

My point?
I just got triggered, bad. I saw it and immediately something clicked on. While I've been slipping slightly back into my disordered ways (did I ever stop?) I thought the whole thinspo/online social networking part of it would never come back... but then I saw that picture, immediately started browsing the linked thinspo blogs, got onto the PrettyThin message board and after doing that in less than a minute also decided that the way to solve all of my problems is by eating carrots and ONLY carrots.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...
I'm back. I secretly did want to get better, was trying to, maybe did a little sorta.
But that sucked. I just replaced this obsession with other ones. And honestly, I prefer this one.
Expect many more posts and comments from me in the future. : )

I guess now is just a really convenient time to fall into a cycle of wild self-destruction

I cry and cry because I'm so lonely. I'm sick of crying at the slightest thing. Is it better to feel or not to feel? You know what I'm getting at. Should I let myself slip back into this sick world in order to numb myself, make myself oblivious to everything? It's weird because when you're starving you think you feel everything violently, but you go back to normal for a while and realize you weren't feeling anything at all... not really...

I can't pretend I decide to go in or out of health. It happens before I know it. I'm wavering without realizing. The more I actually think about it, the more I realize that this notion I've gotten on, the idea that I'm actually better, is a load of bullshit. Do I get hungry, want to eat, but can't? Do I walk around campus gazing longingly at all the restaurants telling myself it's OKAY to eat, I promise you're ALLOWED to do it, and I finish out the day hungry and exhausted? Do I open the fridge with intentions of eating but I'm too scared to touch anything? Am I terrified of certain foods, do I think they're dirty, impure, evil, dangerous? Do I find myself drawn to the grocery store, only to pace around forever, leaving with nothing but a diet coke and some random item? Do I groan in public, my head in my hands, grabbing at my hair, overwhelmed with anxiety any time I try and spend any amount of money because it feels so horribly like binging? I do, I do, I do.

Do I eat normally sometimes?
I do.

Do I overeat sometimes?
I do.

Do I binge?
I'm beginning to. But it's more like "Oh my god I can't believe I just ate a can of soup AND A PEACH AND A GRANOLA BAR!" which is... considerably less than my binge-mode binges but still unacceptable.

And is this unacceptable?
Maybe that's what a normal meal looks like!?
How the fuck am I supposed to know!?
Whoever fucking taught me what normal was!?

Am I eating normally?
Am I getting better?
Why should it matter?
Maybe my eating habits are getting more normal. Maybe they were normal for a little while just after I moved and then they slipped back into abnormality... I don't know. But I don't live completely immersed in this disorder any longer, which may be perceived as a good thing... but in its place, other things have manifested themselves to make me miserable. Recklessness, irresponsibility, the affinity for sleeping 16 hours a day just so I don't have to deal with people... violent perpetual tears... anxiety that keeps me up until ungodly hours of the morning... the tendency to isolate, to stay in my room all day. Today I built a sheet fort in my closet to keep things dark, so I can isolate even more. Awful social anxiety. Loneliness that's even worse. A desire to cut that I talk myself out of nightly. No desire to go to school. Only to stay cozy and safe in the small world I have created for myself in my bedroom. No friends. No identity. No life. I can deal with all of this, I know, just get out more, be more outgoing... but the fucking PHYSICAL anxiety I can't do ANYTHING about. It's so much easier to push all of my anxiety towards eating, so it's a filter, so it'll be the only think I ever get anxious about, on the surface at least. And that's considerably EASY to deal with. No food? No anxiety. Just don't eat.

...and the vicious cycle begins again.
This is almost funny.

Boooo

Sorry for lack of posting; I've been adjusting to college and whatnot. I had long assumed that the stark life transition would send me spiraling back into scary (yet warmly welcomed) disordered eating habits but much to my surprise I've been eating... norrrrrmaalllyyyyyy? D : In fact, more normally than I ever imagined I'd be able to. Ever. Three nutritious meals a day with the occasional banana thrown in as a snack. No binging, no late night snacking. I eat when I'm hungry--and only when I'm really, REALLY hungry. My usually-futile attempts to dive into veganism have, this time, been successful. That makes me suspicious. I haven't been working out and of course I have an excuse, only this time it's sort of a good one. I grossly underestimated how much I'd actually be walking--to the bus stop (I'd guess it at about a mile, uphill), from building to building (it's a huge campus)(uphill), then all the walking trying to catch trains/buses... I underestimated the number of staircases in this city (oh my god it's a lot) and severely underestimated how many miles I'd pack in just solely from getting lost nearly every time I try to veer even slightly off of my normal routine. I am, however, planning on using the workout room in the apartments because walking so much with my bookbag weighing me down is hurting my back so bad, so I want to do some things to strengthen/stretch my back/shoulders/arms. And a little more cardio never hurt anyone! Well, that's debatable. Anyway. I have no scale. I do plan on buying one.

This lifestyle seems like it could work well for me.

So why does it feel so awful awful awful? Part of me does love the idea of filling my belly up with beans and veggies after a ridiculously long day, but part of me still cherishes my late nights spent with a rumbling stomach and endless diet sodas and misses the intense feeling of euphoria that comes from studying hungry. I feel like I should fight this off, but... it hasn't gone away. I wish I could tell you that I feel like I'm getting better, because lately I've been viewing health as a projection, it's so close, but... it's just a vision. That awful voice is still there, reminding me oh, you're not supposed to do that. Don't let yourself have what you want, that isn't right, it's selfish. Be austere and inconsequential, fade into nothing and thus transcend everything.

Oh what to do, what to do. I only want two things, and they're polar opposites.
I seem to be drifting towards both at the same time.

Broke college student? Oh, yes.

I'm at the point where I officially can't afford to eat.
Let's celebrate with a nice cold glass of water.

Today was my first day at university. Alone in a big and unfamiliar city, anxiety anxiety anxiety, the compulsion to starve comes in right on cue. Don't worry how afraid you are about life, just worry about how afraid you are of food.

I decided I'll liquid fast Tuesdays and Thursdays.