Jelly legs

All of my muscles feel like jelly, which means I got a good workout. I got a very, very good workout, on absolutely no calories! I'm shaky and I want to eat, but I want to wait. I'm cooking some onions, green peppers, squash and zucchini for dinner, and aside from that I have celery, carrots and Buddy Fruits if I need something to snack on.

Does anyone else eat Buddy Fruits? I really like them... they're like pureed fruit in a squeezable pouch. I think they might be intended for babies/toddlers? Nonetheless, they're great. They're a dollar each and I loaded up on them yesterday. Each pouch is 60 calories and they're really good for when you just need a little kick to get by. : )

Okay I'm a dummy and just ate 120 calories worth of Twizzlers... and then 80 more calories of Twizzlers... which puts me at 200 for the day. But it's okay. Because I'm going to be really good the rest of the day and only eat vegetables! Yesssss.

I hope you all are doing well. : )

If I could tell you this I would

I feel like I could quite possibly love you. I can't pinpoint exactly when these feelings started, but a few months ago I realized that every night before I went to sleep I had to talk myself out of texting you goodnight. If I realize I'm not talking to you I get sad. And I love your awkwardness. I love how I've never heard you laugh, but I've seen it, oh I've seen it. You never want to let yourself laugh completely. You hold it in and your whole body shakes. I want to hold your hands and take naps with you and make you laugh so hard that you finally let it out. I know you're sad and I want to make you happy because you make me happy. You make me want to be well. You make me want to live a long and happy life. I think about you too much. And I don't think you feel the same way, but god, the way I feel about you feels so real and mature and I think we'd have such a beautiful relationship. And you're texting me right now but you don't seem happy. And I overthink this and I'm afraid you hate me. But I won't think about this anymore, I'll just crawl back in my turtle shell and live my weird little life and hope that one day you'll realize that the right girl for you is right in front of your eyes. 

fatcow

I ate too much today. I don't even want to talk about it. But my body doesn't want it; it rejected it. That's gross, but good. Here's my plan for tomorrow: Raw food, soy milk, and EXERCISE.

I have no plans for tomorrow.

So here's what I'm going to do.

Are you with me?

If you're reading this, comment this post with one exercise for me to do. (Ex. 50 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, etc) If you tell me to do it, I HAVE to do it at some point during the day. The only exception is running--for some reason, I can't run; I get this really weird pain in my ankle which makes my ankles completely seize up and stop bending. So I'm going to run in my pool, because I can do that. I can jump rope, walk, do weights, stretch, etc. Tell me anything! So my plan so far is:

50 running laps around the pool
20 times around the pool swimming with just arms, forward
20 ditto ditto ditto but backwards
50 leglifts in the pool, both legs
Dancing in my room to all of Ted Leo's "Shake the Sheets" album (lol)
(This is my usual routine which so far has proved to be not enough.)

IN ADDITION:
(comment comment comment!)100 jumping jacksdancing to my favorite techno song : ) (Thanks Charr!)

This picture is pre-dolphins

This is where I spent my weekend. I'm home now, sore, sunburned, exhausted, a little lighter. Saturday I did really well--I ate some zucchini and onions at a Japanese restaurant and an Oreo. And I worked out A LOT. Sunday and Monday, uhhh, I ate too much. But I lost a little weight, so that's good. I'm working tonight but I'm so exhausted... I think I'm going to spent the next two hours lying in bed. Yep.

frigid architect

The pill made me nauseas all day, I fell asleep at 10, then woke up at 1AM in a cold sweat feeling like I would absolutely die if I didn't have peanut butter at that exact moment. Got up, had a binge, went back to sleep. I was terrified to weigh myself this morning, but it's fine, I maintained. I mean, that's not fine, because I probably would have lost some weight had I not binged in the middle of the night. But whatever.

I'm visiting a friend who lives about an hour away and staying there until Monday or Tuesday. I'll try and get out of eating as much as possible, since the people I'll be with generally don't notice when I don't eat. (Well it's also with the only friend who knows about my ED. I don't know if this means I don't have to hide it around her or if I especially have to hide it around her? I think she ignores it. We haven't spoken of it since that day, that horrible and wonderful day in the midst of AP testing, when I was fully out of my mind and broke down and told her everything, almost everything. We don't speak of it anymore.) I think I can avoid food until dinner, which I can't get out of because apparently my friend's mom is making it special and blah blah etc. I'm still a bit nauseas so maybe I'll use that as an excuse.

I don't think my friend's family likes me. Most of the time I don't think my friend likes me. My friend moved away but has been in town for like a week and she doesn't want to hang out with me; I've asked her and she shies away from the subject. I'm the moody one who's ugly and unfun. With huge arms and huge scars on her huge arms and I'm wearing a sleeveless dress. That'll really be the icing on the cake, huh? Fucking food analogies.

modern chemistry fails me

I have completely removed myself from the outside world
I've stolen a pill of my sister's anxiety medicine but I feel worse
I only lost .2lbs
I was going to fast but then decided fuck it
had a 260 calorie breakfast
the reason I wanted to fast is no longer happening
I guess I'll try to just fast for the rest of the day
uhh
my right ear is so swollen that it's affecting my hearing
I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day watching Skins and Hey Arnold
I need to exercise eventually.
I feel sick.

Something inside of me is begging, pleading, shouting from a tear-stained face, "GET OUT! YOU CAN STILL GET OUT! DON'T LET HER TAKE YOU!" (or something like that.) That something is tugging on my arms, stomping its feet, throwing tantrums, trying to convince me to get out, because that something thinks I still can get out. But I'm taken. The only way to be happy in this kind of wrecked life is to lose weight. So I know I'm down now, but I also know that once I start losing more weight I'll be happy again. And not happy, but... that feeling. You know that feeling. In a way, it's better than happiness.

I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely

Fasting 'til Sunday. Or possibly until Saturday afternoon.
I'm checking out.


Um, okay except that I was so fucking miserable today that I made myself eat.
But there's still hours left in the day to fast, and a proper fast tomorrow, and Saturday...

The monster will not win.
I WILL WIN.

Additionally, I've done some estimating, and I've lost about 5lbs in about 8 days. So my small improvements have been yielding moderate results. If I started making large improvements, hopefully I'll start seeing some spectacular results! Yes? Yes? Hmm...

Today I recoiled away from a banana but ate chips. I was afraid of anything but those chips. Why was that? It's so odd, because bananas are one of my "safe" foods, but suddenly they became completely off-limits, but these chips, these oily chips weren't scary in the slightest. I was making guacamole for my brother and was terrified to even let my hands touch the avocado meat. I dropped the pit and had to pick it up, only to get some of the green mush on my fingers, and felt like I had just touched the most wretched thing on earth. And avocados are like, absolutely my favorite food ever. But these chips that any other day I would have avoided like the plague, I ate them; they were the only thing I could eat. What the heck?

My brain has its priorities severely confused.