OH SPAGHETTI YOU ARE THE DEATH OF ALL MY PLANS

Actually, I don't think I went too far over my goal intake. Well not far enough to beat myself up about it.

About not sharing my LW/HW/CWs...

As far as I can remember I've never put them on here. Before it's because I just wasn't comfortable doing it, because for some reason admitting my weight made everything feel too real. I don't know if that makes sense, but yeah, I was just so afraid to tell anyone because it meant that I actually, like, existed. Anyway, now I don't really want to share my weight because I feel like that's sort of a no-no on a recovery blog. I mean, I know I probably fail miserably at not being triggering to others but I feel like I should try and keep numbers out of this. I know I mentioned calories in my last post and I should also probably stop doing that.

Anyway, so far breakfast today = a success. Even though I didn't wake up until four, mwaha.

To relapse or not to relapse?

• REASONS NOT TO RELAPSE
• Starving makes my sex drive go way way down. (And to me, the prospect of having great sex/feeling like a stone cold fox all the time will always be better than being thin. Always.) 
• Starving also decreases my ability to poop. There, I said it. When I can't poop I feel like something is terribly, terribly wrong with me, which I mean, yeah there would be if that was the case. I love pooping. Coincidentally, being constipated also severely decreases my sex drive. HA! 
• Starving makes me hate myself, and makes me project that self-hate onto other people, which strains or ruins my relationships. And frankly, I'm kind of sick of fucking those up. 
• When I starve, my teeth hurt really, really bad, all the time. Then I get paranoid they're going to fall out. I do not want this to happen.
• Starving is probably going to fuck up my self-image again. And I've worked so hard to like the way I look (or at least love every part of my body, even the kind that don't totally look the way I want them to) and I don't want to lose that or start resenting my body again, because that's NO FUN.
• Starving will inevitably lead to more binges.
• Even if I lose all this weight from starving again, I'll most likely end up right back where I am now.
• Becoming obsessed with food would really take up a lot of my time. That's time I'd rather spend doing other, more awesome things.
• I took this semester off to try and improve my mental health and fuck me if I fuck this up.
• Starving will make me colder than I already am, which is really fucking cold.
• I don't enjoy ANYTHING when I'm starving. NOTHING. Because all I can think about food and how fat I am. No thank you.
• If I lose a ton of weight I'd have to buy a bunch of new clothes and I don't have the money for that. HAR HAR HAR. (Actually this is kind of a BS reason, since I can still wear most of the clothes (just not the pants) that I wore from my LW.)
• MY BOOBS WILL GET SMALL AGAIN. Okay, technically, they only went from a D to a C, but I have just kind of a naturally big build (like, my actual skeleton is big, y'know?) so C-boobs look super small on me. Now technically I'm still in between a C and a D but I did have to get a D last time I went bra shopping and I'm feeling too fly. I have great boobs. This is unrelated, sorry.
• I'll start avoiding lunches with friends, which will suck.
• The skinnier I'll get, the fatter I'll feel. I mean, even though I'm close to my HW than I was at my LW, I feel so much more attractive than I did at my LW. I look at pictures of myself back then and I think "SHIT! I was perfect! How did I feel so fucking bad about myself?" I mean, I still think I look really good now, but shiiiit I was just really fucking attractive back then. I'm sure this sounds kind of conceited, but I dunno, having an overinflated ego is a really easy/great way to think.
• If I start starving again I'll probably start getting flashbacks again.
• If I start purging again, I'll once again get paranoid that my teeth are going to wash.
• Also vomit isn't fun to clean up.
• Also it always gets in my hair.
• Also it makes my face red and disgusting for hours afterwards.
• Also it makes my voice scratchy, and I like singing.
• Also, I don't enjoy vomiting. It's difficult and gross. I know pretty much no one (bulimics included, though I'm sure there is the rare person who actually likes the act of vomiting and not just the effects) likes vomiting, but hey, not liking it is still a good reason to not do it.
• I'm going to end up spending all my time on thinspo blogs and watching the Food Network, and that'll suck, because it's nice now to have hobbies and interests that don't stem from an eating disorder.

REASONS TO LET MYSELF RELAPSE

• I'd lose hella weight, like, really fast. That would be cool. (NOTE: Though with the huge amount that I've been eating lately, I feel like I have a ton of water weight that I'd probably lose super fast by just eating a normal/low calorie number)
• Uh, I dunno, starving makes me sleep less? And I've been sleeping way too much lately.
• The good feelings--the feeling of diet Coke on an empty stomach, that floaty dizzy feeling, etc. Those are fucking awesome, I'll admit. 
• I'd actually have something to talk about with my mom.
• It would sure simplify my life, only having to care about one thing and all.

So uh, yeah, I think my answer is clear.

I'm not even trying to diet, just trying to mimic a normal eating routine until it (hopefully) becomes natural for me. If counting my calories ends up triggering me too badly, I'm going to have to stop, and figure it out from there. Following a raw vegan diet has always been successful for me as you can eat a lot and still lose weight, but if I do that, I surely won't be able to afford it when I go back to school and start having to buy my own food, so it might cause me to end up back like this. Ugh. But maybe it'll work, if my current aim doesn't work out.

I GAINED SO MUCH FUCKING WEIGHT

FUUCKKKKK

Like, now I realize how much I've actually been binging over the past few months. Holy shit. I'm so out of control. I have no fucking idea what to do. I know that starving is not the answer but I know that binging is going to eventually, inevitably lead to that, or purging. I feel like at this point, if I obsessively counted all my calories but to a NORMAL (lowish) number, that would actually feel starvey enough for me (in comparison to how I've been eating) for me to get some weird satisfaction out of it, you know? Goddamnit. I just want to get back to my LW, and I'll be fine. It's not even that I have that much of a problem with how I look now, I just want to look like how I was before. I was perfect before and I didn't even realize it. : (

(Edit: I'm about 6 lbs down from my HW. My fucking HW. Like, before any of this happened. Shit. Yeah, I just weighed myself. And it's like... I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be but... seriously, fuck that.) (Another edit:  I weighed myself with a fullish belly and having drank a lot of water today, so that might be spiking the number, but I kinda wanted a high number tonight so that maybe once I was empty tomorrow morning it'll be a lower number and will make me happier.)

(Another edit: I ate like 1600 calories today thanks to a pizza binge... I think I'm going to aim for 1200 from now on. According to what I know, that's as low as you can go before your body goes into starvation mode. Apparently.)

Oh yeah and

On a more personal note, I'm doing okay. Not great. Every morning I fight the urge to fast, but hey, at least I'm fighting it and not giving in. So that's good. Otherwise I'm bored, unemployed, and not in school. I need to start getting to a doctor and shit, but I feel like I'm still allowed to be a bum until the 10th which is when my winter break would have been technically over anyway.

If any of you have Twitter

I deleted my Twitter, but if any of you have one can we please troll this asshole or something?
(Also possible major trigger warning in these tweets and the post below.)
http://twitter.com/MrKennethTong#

Some of his tweets might make it seem like this is just a thinspiration twitter but then you get gems like "Anorexia is not an evil, it is but a oft mismanaged blessing." 

Basically this douchenozzle is promoting anorexia, then downplaying the seriousness of it, calling it a BLESSING for fuck's sake. MOST OF ALL this isn't a person who is sick and is posting thinspiration because of his sickness, this is just some asshole telling women to starve themselves, or making them feel guilty for not doing it. Almost ALL of the tweets are directed towards women. This is just some major misogynistic bullshit right here. How the fuck does this guy think he has any right to tell women what to do AT ALL much less delegate starvation? Fuck him.

So yeah, if you're bored/need a distraction/etc, feel free to ruin this asshole's day.
I'm sure to some extent he's trolling, but I still don't think we should tolerate this kind of bullshittery.

I went home to try and get my head straight and it's just making it harder.

Being home with my mom is so fucking triggering. The other night I just started fighting with her about how little she was eating. I guess I figured yelling at her about how not eating enough makes her act crazy and that starving yourself to reach a "healthier" weight is just an illusion of health (I'm pretty sure my mom isn't even overweight, plus she's really active and never ate 'too much' to begin with) was more me trying to remind myself of these things than anything. She's on a new fad diet that she bought a book on, which cracks me the fuck up because often times we can't even afford NECESSARY things and yet she probably spent $30 on a diet book that she'll abandon soon enough.

It pisses me off that she wants me to do the diet with her, for multiple reasons. One because it's implying that I'm not good enough for her, that she believes that I'm too big or that I eat too much. Another thing is that it's her somehow believing that I can't make my own decisions regarding what I eat or what size I am or what lifestyle I choose. I choose not to go on fad diets, and goddamnit if I choose to go on one it's going to be the one that I choose. Another HUGE REASON this bothers me is because my mom fucking KNOWS I have some type of eating-disordery-type thoughts. Christmastime of 2009, she found my diary and invaded my privacy by reading it. Did she just fucking forget? Does she not fucking know that the LAST thing a person like me needs to be doing is going on a fucking diet?

In other news, I really want to weigh myself, but I'm afraid. : (
I'd like to feel like I've lost some weight before I do. I dunno. I know I've gained up from my LW, like 20ish pounds based on how my old pants fit (or rather how they DON'T fit.) But I feel like it's risky for me to try and lose weight, I dunno. I feel like trying to count calories will be too triggering, so I think I'm just going to start limiting what I can eat and what times I can eat, and just using common sense on the actual amount of food I'm eating.

So my new "plan" (oh jeez, is planning a bad sign?) is just as follows: No eating after the 7th hour that I've been awake (which will roughly equate to 5+ hours before I fall asleep) and only eating one thing a day that isn't comprise of plain fruits and vegetables. Also, no more caloric drinks, and drinking a lottt more water. I feel like doing this for a while will help me drop a little weight and then I can weigh myself when I feel like I'm ready. Which might not be for a while.

(Edit: I'm also going to start exercising. And by "exercising" I mean dancing more and doing lunges/lifting weights. Because I'm admitting it: I'm too fucking lazy for extensive exercise. I always have been; I'm sure I always will be. No shame. Well, kind of. Whatever.)