To relapse or not to relapse?

• REASONS NOT TO RELAPSE
• Starving makes my sex drive go way way down. (And to me, the prospect of having great sex/feeling like a stone cold fox all the time will always be better than being thin. Always.) 
• Starving also decreases my ability to poop. There, I said it. When I can't poop I feel like something is terribly, terribly wrong with me, which I mean, yeah there would be if that was the case. I love pooping. Coincidentally, being constipated also severely decreases my sex drive. HA! 
• Starving makes me hate myself, and makes me project that self-hate onto other people, which strains or ruins my relationships. And frankly, I'm kind of sick of fucking those up. 
• When I starve, my teeth hurt really, really bad, all the time. Then I get paranoid they're going to fall out. I do not want this to happen.
• Starving is probably going to fuck up my self-image again. And I've worked so hard to like the way I look (or at least love every part of my body, even the kind that don't totally look the way I want them to) and I don't want to lose that or start resenting my body again, because that's NO FUN.
• Starving will inevitably lead to more binges.
• Even if I lose all this weight from starving again, I'll most likely end up right back where I am now.
• Becoming obsessed with food would really take up a lot of my time. That's time I'd rather spend doing other, more awesome things.
• I took this semester off to try and improve my mental health and fuck me if I fuck this up.
• Starving will make me colder than I already am, which is really fucking cold.
• I don't enjoy ANYTHING when I'm starving. NOTHING. Because all I can think about food and how fat I am. No thank you.
• If I lose a ton of weight I'd have to buy a bunch of new clothes and I don't have the money for that. HAR HAR HAR. (Actually this is kind of a BS reason, since I can still wear most of the clothes (just not the pants) that I wore from my LW.)
• MY BOOBS WILL GET SMALL AGAIN. Okay, technically, they only went from a D to a C, but I have just kind of a naturally big build (like, my actual skeleton is big, y'know?) so C-boobs look super small on me. Now technically I'm still in between a C and a D but I did have to get a D last time I went bra shopping and I'm feeling too fly. I have great boobs. This is unrelated, sorry.
• I'll start avoiding lunches with friends, which will suck.
• The skinnier I'll get, the fatter I'll feel. I mean, even though I'm close to my HW than I was at my LW, I feel so much more attractive than I did at my LW. I look at pictures of myself back then and I think "SHIT! I was perfect! How did I feel so fucking bad about myself?" I mean, I still think I look really good now, but shiiiit I was just really fucking attractive back then. I'm sure this sounds kind of conceited, but I dunno, having an overinflated ego is a really easy/great way to think.
• If I start starving again I'll probably start getting flashbacks again.
• If I start purging again, I'll once again get paranoid that my teeth are going to wash.
• Also vomit isn't fun to clean up.
• Also it always gets in my hair.
• Also it makes my face red and disgusting for hours afterwards.
• Also it makes my voice scratchy, and I like singing.
• Also, I don't enjoy vomiting. It's difficult and gross. I know pretty much no one (bulimics included, though I'm sure there is the rare person who actually likes the act of vomiting and not just the effects) likes vomiting, but hey, not liking it is still a good reason to not do it.
• I'm going to end up spending all my time on thinspo blogs and watching the Food Network, and that'll suck, because it's nice now to have hobbies and interests that don't stem from an eating disorder.

REASONS TO LET MYSELF RELAPSE

• I'd lose hella weight, like, really fast. That would be cool. (NOTE: Though with the huge amount that I've been eating lately, I feel like I have a ton of water weight that I'd probably lose super fast by just eating a normal/low calorie number)
• Uh, I dunno, starving makes me sleep less? And I've been sleeping way too much lately.
• The good feelings--the feeling of diet Coke on an empty stomach, that floaty dizzy feeling, etc. Those are fucking awesome, I'll admit. 
• I'd actually have something to talk about with my mom.
• It would sure simplify my life, only having to care about one thing and all.

So uh, yeah, I think my answer is clear.

I'm not even trying to diet, just trying to mimic a normal eating routine until it (hopefully) becomes natural for me. If counting my calories ends up triggering me too badly, I'm going to have to stop, and figure it out from there. Following a raw vegan diet has always been successful for me as you can eat a lot and still lose weight, but if I do that, I surely won't be able to afford it when I go back to school and start having to buy my own food, so it might cause me to end up back like this. Ugh. But maybe it'll work, if my current aim doesn't work out.