Being home with my mom is so fucking triggering. The other night I just started fighting with her about how little she was eating. I guess I figured yelling at her about how not eating enough makes her act crazy and that starving yourself to reach a "healthier" weight is just an illusion of health (I'm pretty sure my mom isn't even overweight, plus she's really active and never ate 'too much' to begin with) was more me trying to remind myself of these things than anything. She's on a new fad diet that she bought a book on, which cracks me the fuck up because often times we can't even afford NECESSARY things and yet she probably spent $30 on a diet book that she'll abandon soon enough.
It pisses me off that she wants me to do the diet with her, for multiple reasons. One because it's implying that I'm not good enough for her, that she believes that I'm too big or that I eat too much. Another thing is that it's her somehow believing that I can't make my own decisions regarding what I eat or what size I am or what lifestyle I choose. I choose not to go on fad diets, and goddamnit if I choose to go on one it's going to be the one that I choose. Another HUGE REASON this bothers me is because my mom fucking KNOWS I have some type of eating-disordery-type thoughts. Christmastime of 2009, she found my diary and invaded my privacy by reading it. Did she just fucking forget? Does she not fucking know that the LAST thing a person like me needs to be doing is going on a fucking diet?
In other news, I really want to weigh myself, but I'm afraid. : (
I'd like to feel like I've lost some weight before I do. I dunno. I know I've gained up from my LW, like 20ish pounds based on how my old pants fit (or rather how they DON'T fit.) But I feel like it's risky for me to try and lose weight, I dunno. I feel like trying to count calories will be too triggering, so I think I'm just going to start limiting what I can eat and what times I can eat, and just using common sense on the actual amount of food I'm eating.
So my new "plan" (oh jeez, is planning a bad sign?) is just as follows: No eating after the 7th hour that I've been awake (which will roughly equate to 5+ hours before I fall asleep) and only eating one thing a day that isn't comprise of plain fruits and vegetables. Also, no more caloric drinks, and drinking a lottt more water. I feel like doing this for a while will help me drop a little weight and then I can weigh myself when I feel like I'm ready. Which might not be for a while.
(Edit: I'm also going to start exercising. And by "exercising" I mean dancing more and doing lunges/lifting weights. Because I'm admitting it: I'm too fucking lazy for extensive exercise. I always have been; I'm sure I always will be. No shame. Well, kind of. Whatever.)
my dear, i hope you arent trying to stop your recovery. i know youve been through some tough times, but you really can do it.
ReplyDelete<3
Sorry to hear about your mom. Sounds like she doesn't understand at all :(
ReplyDeleteI think your new plan sounds great! I'm in a similar place to you - want to lose, but frightened that I'll slip back into old habits. I may borrow your plan for a while if you don't mind :)
-Sophie xo
Remember what you posted earlier about why can't we accept our minds? Trying to be "normal" just got me overweight and miserable. Finally I decided to say "yep, I'm gonna have this disordered thinking all my life...so how can I learn to livve with it? Cuz fighting my own mind is just making me miserable."
ReplyDeleteThus far really seems to be helping. The disorder makes us beat ourselves up about our bodies, and then "recovery" has us beating ourselves up about our thinking. Misery either way!
So I decided to accept that this is just how I think and to put my drive into staying alive with it. Living with it. Staying alive, staying alive! Ohh ohh! Staying alive!