FUUCKKKKK
Like, now I realize how much I've actually been binging over the past few months. Holy shit. I'm so out of control. I have no fucking idea what to do. I know that starving is not the answer but I know that binging is going to eventually, inevitably lead to that, or purging. I feel like at this point, if I obsessively counted all my calories but to a NORMAL (lowish) number, that would actually feel starvey enough for me (in comparison to how I've been eating) for me to get some weird satisfaction out of it, you know? Goddamnit. I just want to get back to my LW, and I'll be fine. It's not even that I have that much of a problem with how I look now, I just want to look like how I was before. I was perfect before and I didn't even realize it. : (
(Edit: I'm about 6 lbs down from my HW. My fucking HW. Like, before any of this happened. Shit. Yeah, I just weighed myself. And it's like... I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be but... seriously, fuck that.) (Another edit: I weighed myself with a fullish belly and having drank a lot of water today, so that might be spiking the number, but I kinda wanted a high number tonight so that maybe once I was empty tomorrow morning it'll be a lower number and will make me happier.)
(Another edit: I ate like 1600 calories today thanks to a pizza binge... I think I'm going to aim for 1200 from now on. According to what I know, that's as low as you can go before your body goes into starvation mode. Apparently.)
Urgh, I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteStupid Christmas and people leaving their goodies out everywhere! Suffice to say I will NEVER be visiting my mothers' house again.
We can get back down there, maybe even in a slightly healthier way than before?
There's always a hope, right?