Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Totally
Miserable.
Starving makes your weight so ridiculously volatile. I've literally gained all 4-point-whatever lbs I lost last week from two days of eating normally. Fuck this. Fuck this fuck this fuck me fuck my life. I can't bring myself to do this homework when I feel so horrible. Ugh.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
E-MAIL BUDDIES!
I lost touch with my last few! I need new ones! Or the same ones again! I made a new account especially for these so the e-mails don't get lost in my constant onslaught of junk mail! Sometimes there are details I would like to gush about (especially those involving this weekend) that I don't feel comfortable gushing about in this blog; this is where an e-mail buddy would come in handy! : ) So here's my secret e-mail that I'll only be using for this purpose, or you can leave me yours in a comment and I'll e-mail you first.
veeandmia@aol.com
Like the Ted Leo pun? I'm so clever. Not really. That song just coincidentally came on my last.fm while I was thinking up screen names. That song sparks something in me that is so fierce, so scary but so exciting. I ate too much today, and listening to that song makes me so excited to be able to start over and get back to business starting tomorrow morning. I hate the feeling of being full--that moment in Grad Night when I realized that my body was running purely off my body--that was heavenly. That was true freedom. I actually walked around with my arms in the air screaming, "I FEEL, SO, FREE, RIGHT, NOW!" Of course that had could have had something to do with the fact that I just rode my first roller coaster, but like... I knew I was clean, I knew I was pure, I felt I was getting thinner by the minute so for once I actually felt free, confident, shook of any inhibitions. It was amazing. I want that forever and always. So me and food? We're saying goodbye again. We had a day-long affair, and he was a boring lover. And I'm an independent woman now.
veeandmia@aol.com
Like the Ted Leo pun? I'm so clever. Not really. That song just coincidentally came on my last.fm while I was thinking up screen names. That song sparks something in me that is so fierce, so scary but so exciting. I ate too much today, and listening to that song makes me so excited to be able to start over and get back to business starting tomorrow morning. I hate the feeling of being full--that moment in Grad Night when I realized that my body was running purely off my body--that was heavenly. That was true freedom. I actually walked around with my arms in the air screaming, "I FEEL, SO, FREE, RIGHT, NOW!" Of course that had could have had something to do with the fact that I just rode my first roller coaster, but like... I knew I was clean, I knew I was pure, I felt I was getting thinner by the minute so for once I actually felt free, confident, shook of any inhibitions. It was amazing. I want that forever and always. So me and food? We're saying goodbye again. We had a day-long affair, and he was a boring lover. And I'm an independent woman now.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
LOLLERCOASTER
I'm going to reply to the comments from my last post in this post because I'm lazy!
PollyDolly - I know what you mean. I'm sure once I get to my "UGW" I'll lower it. I know that for a fact, but see, I'm an idealist, and I often make really optimistic claims about my future health in this blog that I know very well are fabricated.
Which also lead's me to my reply on Yum's comment--I know I can't only have the part of this disorder that I prefer to have. That's the idealist in me again. I say I can do it, but I know very well that I can't.
Gracile - It helps to try and see yourself through others' eyes--even though you can't do that, not really. But if I'm feeling really bad about the way I look sometimes I'll manage to convince myself that it's all in my head and usually people will notice nothing wrong with the way you look, because it doesn't really matter to them.
Lindsay - Thank you, and it's nice to know that neither of us are alone in this crazy time.
Sottile - Everyone's support on this blog definitely helps with the fear. : ) I get really afraid of my eating disorder periodically, and I just pretend the fear doesn't exist and I wait for it to go away. Bad system, I know. Fear indicates that I should be changing something, but I prefer denial.
Charr. - Thank you! Why exactly are you quitting PT? For similar reasons that I am?
--
In other news, Grad Night was AMAAAAAZING! I ended up with a really great group of people, made new friends and became a lot closer with current ones. (Also got maybe a bit too close to a boy I may have been madly in love with for the past four years, but that's too long of a story to go into.) I've been up for 36 hours, shit! I can hardly see, I'm shaking like crazy and I've been having periodical sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations since about 5:00am. But--that's all fun and exciting because last night was so fun and exciting, and I'm way too happy to sleep!
I was so worried about not having enough energy to get through the night that I decided that I was going to have to eat, remember? Weirdly enough, I didn't eat. Well, I ate an orange, an apple, and a sip of Gatorade for breakfast that morning, some sweet tea at about noon, but once I actually got on the trip I didn't (couldn't?) eat anything. When we stopped for lunch on the way there (it's about 5 hrs away) I said "I'll just eat at Grad Night." I get to Grad Night, and I'm literally too busy to eat. By about 2:00am I was stumbling, mumbling and holding onto anything I could to keep myself steady, and apparently acting very visibly on edge and rammy and my friend noticed it (my first time on a real roller coaster coupled with already erratic behavior ends in a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming, and cursing obscenities.) Then when we stopped on the ride home, I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I just didn't want to.
However I got back into town and ate a huge burrito. But I'm still shaking.
This isn't bad at all, it's actually really good. The empty/floating feeling just added to my fun, most definitely. I don't even want to say all the details of last night, but it really was spectacularly fun. : )
PollyDolly - I know what you mean. I'm sure once I get to my "UGW" I'll lower it. I know that for a fact, but see, I'm an idealist, and I often make really optimistic claims about my future health in this blog that I know very well are fabricated.
Which also lead's me to my reply on Yum's comment--I know I can't only have the part of this disorder that I prefer to have. That's the idealist in me again. I say I can do it, but I know very well that I can't.
Gracile - It helps to try and see yourself through others' eyes--even though you can't do that, not really. But if I'm feeling really bad about the way I look sometimes I'll manage to convince myself that it's all in my head and usually people will notice nothing wrong with the way you look, because it doesn't really matter to them.
Lindsay - Thank you, and it's nice to know that neither of us are alone in this crazy time.
Sottile - Everyone's support on this blog definitely helps with the fear. : ) I get really afraid of my eating disorder periodically, and I just pretend the fear doesn't exist and I wait for it to go away. Bad system, I know. Fear indicates that I should be changing something, but I prefer denial.
Charr. - Thank you! Why exactly are you quitting PT? For similar reasons that I am?
--
In other news, Grad Night was AMAAAAAZING! I ended up with a really great group of people, made new friends and became a lot closer with current ones. (Also got maybe a bit too close to a boy I may have been madly in love with for the past four years, but that's too long of a story to go into.) I've been up for 36 hours, shit! I can hardly see, I'm shaking like crazy and I've been having periodical sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations since about 5:00am. But--that's all fun and exciting because last night was so fun and exciting, and I'm way too happy to sleep!
I was so worried about not having enough energy to get through the night that I decided that I was going to have to eat, remember? Weirdly enough, I didn't eat. Well, I ate an orange, an apple, and a sip of Gatorade for breakfast that morning, some sweet tea at about noon, but once I actually got on the trip I didn't (couldn't?) eat anything. When we stopped for lunch on the way there (it's about 5 hrs away) I said "I'll just eat at Grad Night." I get to Grad Night, and I'm literally too busy to eat. By about 2:00am I was stumbling, mumbling and holding onto anything I could to keep myself steady, and apparently acting very visibly on edge and rammy and my friend noticed it (my first time on a real roller coaster coupled with already erratic behavior ends in a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming, and cursing obscenities.) Then when we stopped on the ride home, I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I just didn't want to.
However I got back into town and ate a huge burrito. But I'm still shaking.
This isn't bad at all, it's actually really good. The empty/floating feeling just added to my fun, most definitely. I don't even want to say all the details of last night, but it really was spectacularly fun. : )
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Eating failure
So I don't think I'm cut out for eating anymore. It's done; it's run its course through me and we're through. Because... I tried to eat, I made myself eat a little--Grad Night preparation--and I had the most intense freak-out that I never want to have again. I fail at eating. Which is good, of course.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared of all of this.
I'm finishing up Wasted and I fucking hate it, I fucking hate how true it is and how she's stolen my thoughts which are so secret that I don't even know them, she's put them on paper for the world to see. The book makes me angry because it's the only thing thus far that's able to convince me that I can really, really fuck myself up with this. But towards the end she makes a good point--being depressed sucks and letting yourself die is really lame. I don't want to do that, but my eating disorder has not run its course yet.
My goal weight used to be 80 lbs. With my height I'd be underweight at 121. Maybe my goal weight should be 100. Or even 115. Because aside from personal satisfaction, there is no practical need for me for me to be sickly thin. I want to be sickly thin because I want to be sick. That's a truth I don't like to admit to myself. I don't need to find myself attractive, because, well, I know I'll never find myself attractive. Being a healthy weight or slightly underweight would be quite suitable for society's standards of thin, and yeah, I don't care much about those, but if I know I'll never find myself attractive then I should just aim to meet society's standards for the sake of convenience and practicality.
I starve to give myself the option to die if I ever really wanted to. Well, now I simply realize that I should also leave myself the option to live.
When I finish Wasted, I want it out of my possession. I'd like to pass it along. To whom, I'm not sure. Someone that needs it. I don't think I need/want it anymore. I don't want the "dying" part of this disorder. I want the floaty, dreamy part of it, and only that part. I'm cutting out all the things that make me feel crazy--this is the only ED-related website I'm allowing myself to go on anymore. No more thinspo, no more obsessively watching the Food Network, no more PrettyThin... those make me feel sick and depressed and when I feel that way I start to want out. But I want in, in, in. Because I want thin, thin, thin.
Did I mention Grad Night is tomorrow? So excited. : )
But I'm scared.
I'm scared of all of this.
I'm finishing up Wasted and I fucking hate it, I fucking hate how true it is and how she's stolen my thoughts which are so secret that I don't even know them, she's put them on paper for the world to see. The book makes me angry because it's the only thing thus far that's able to convince me that I can really, really fuck myself up with this. But towards the end she makes a good point--being depressed sucks and letting yourself die is really lame. I don't want to do that, but my eating disorder has not run its course yet.
My goal weight used to be 80 lbs. With my height I'd be underweight at 121. Maybe my goal weight should be 100. Or even 115. Because aside from personal satisfaction, there is no practical need for me for me to be sickly thin. I want to be sickly thin because I want to be sick. That's a truth I don't like to admit to myself. I don't need to find myself attractive, because, well, I know I'll never find myself attractive. Being a healthy weight or slightly underweight would be quite suitable for society's standards of thin, and yeah, I don't care much about those, but if I know I'll never find myself attractive then I should just aim to meet society's standards for the sake of convenience and practicality.
I starve to give myself the option to die if I ever really wanted to. Well, now I simply realize that I should also leave myself the option to live.
When I finish Wasted, I want it out of my possession. I'd like to pass it along. To whom, I'm not sure. Someone that needs it. I don't think I need/want it anymore. I don't want the "dying" part of this disorder. I want the floaty, dreamy part of it, and only that part. I'm cutting out all the things that make me feel crazy--this is the only ED-related website I'm allowing myself to go on anymore. No more thinspo, no more obsessively watching the Food Network, no more PrettyThin... those make me feel sick and depressed and when I feel that way I start to want out. But I want in, in, in. Because I want thin, thin, thin.
Did I mention Grad Night is tomorrow? So excited. : )
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I felt really sick last night. Like major dehydration, can barely walk, talk, or breath with an overactive heartrate sick; felt like I was 200 years old. It was scary, so I made myself eat. I sort of wish I hadn't though. I wish I had just let myself sleep on it and see if I felt better in the morning. So now the scale is telling me I gained 1.4lbs, but I know part of that is just because I weighed at 6 AM as opposed to 4 PM (which is after having a full day at school to burn everything up.)
I'm sad this morning. It's a gentle kind of sadness.
I don't like not knowing what's going on. I don't like purposely being left out of knowing what's going on.
I know I need to eat at Grad Night, for the energy, but I keep telling myself "Ok, eat a little bit more today and a little bit more tomorrow so you can eat normally for grad night so you won't fall asleep/pass out halfway through the night..." but most of me wants to liquid fast today. Because I'm sad. Because, I don't know why.
(Grad Night is from 10 PM to like 3 AM then the bus ride home. I will have woken up that morning at 6 AM so it'll essentially be 24hrs awake. So that's why I know I'll need to eat, for energy to stay awake that long. Ugh.)
I felt really sick last night. Like major dehydration, can barely walk, talk, or breath with an overactive heartrate sick; felt like I was 200 years old. It was scary, so I made myself eat. I sort of wish I hadn't though. I wish I had just let myself sleep on it and see if I felt better in the morning. So now the scale is telling me I gained 1.4lbs, but I know part of that is just because I weighed at 6 AM as opposed to 4 PM (which is after having a full day at school to burn everything up.)
I'm sad this morning. It's a gentle kind of sadness.
I don't like not knowing what's going on. I don't like purposely being left out of knowing what's going on.
I know I need to eat at Grad Night, for the energy, but I keep telling myself "Ok, eat a little bit more today and a little bit more tomorrow so you can eat normally for grad night so you won't fall asleep/pass out halfway through the night..." but most of me wants to liquid fast today. Because I'm sad. Because, I don't know why.
(Grad Night is from 10 PM to like 3 AM then the bus ride home. I will have woken up that morning at 6 AM so it'll essentially be 24hrs awake. So that's why I know I'll need to eat, for energy to stay awake that long. Ugh.)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Update on the muffins
I haven't tried one yet, but they look really, really bad. Hahaha, I had some batter (quite a bit of batter...) which was amazing, but they just look really weird and messed up. I'm not really craving them as much as I was before. I love the change in me--before, restricting was a chore; I had to consciously make myself stop eating and usually failed. It would be "Ok, I'll eat one muffin... ok, two... ok, three... four... ok all of them." But now, it all comes naturally. Now it's "Ok, it'll be okay if I let myself eat three muffins if they're small. Nah, I'll just eat two muffins... nah, I only want one. Actually, I don't think I want any." It's a total reverse. It's a pleasant change. Or I want to eat, I really want to eat, but I can't. What changed me?
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