LOLLERCOASTER

I'm going to reply to the comments from my last post in this post because I'm lazy!

PollyDolly - I know what you mean. I'm sure once I get to my "UGW" I'll lower it. I know that for a fact, but see, I'm an idealist, and I often make really optimistic claims about my future health in this blog that I know very well are fabricated. 


Which also lead's me to my reply on Yum's comment--I know I can't only have the part of this disorder that I prefer to have. That's the idealist in me again. I say I  can do it, but I know very well that I can't.


Gracile - It helps to try and see yourself through others' eyes--even though you can't do that, not really. But if I'm feeling really bad about the way I look sometimes I'll manage to convince myself that it's all in my head and usually people will notice nothing wrong with the way you look, because it doesn't really matter to them.


Lindsay - Thank you, and it's nice to know that neither of us are alone in this crazy time. 


Sottile - Everyone's support on this blog definitely helps with the fear. : ) I get really afraid of my eating disorder periodically, and I just pretend the fear doesn't exist and I wait for it to go away. Bad system, I know. Fear indicates that I should be changing something, but I prefer denial.


Charr. - Thank you! Why exactly are you quitting PT? For similar reasons that I am?


--


In other news, Grad Night was AMAAAAAZING! I ended up with a really great group of people, made new friends and became a lot closer with current ones. (Also got maybe a bit too close to a boy I may have been madly in love with for the past four years, but that's too long of a story to go into.) I've been up for 36 hours, shit! I can hardly see, I'm shaking like crazy and I've been having periodical sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations since about 5:00am. But--that's all fun and exciting because last night was so fun and exciting, and I'm way too happy to sleep!


I was so worried about not having enough energy to get through the night that I decided that I was going to have to eat, remember? Weirdly enough, I didn't eat. Well, I ate an orange, an apple, and a sip of Gatorade for breakfast that morning, some sweet tea at about noon, but once I actually got on the trip I didn't (couldn't?) eat anything. When we stopped for lunch on the way there (it's about 5 hrs away) I said "I'll just eat at Grad Night." I get to Grad Night, and I'm literally too busy to eat. By about 2:00am I was stumbling, mumbling and holding onto anything I could to keep myself steady, and apparently acting very visibly on edge and rammy and my friend noticed it (my first time on a real roller coaster coupled with already erratic behavior ends in a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming, and cursing obscenities.) Then when we stopped on the ride home, I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I just didn't want to.


However I got back into town and ate a huge burrito. But I'm still shaking.


This isn't bad at all, it's actually really good. The empty/floating feeling just added to my fun, most definitely. I don't even want to say all the details of last night, but it really was spectacularly fun. : )