So I don't think I'm cut out for eating anymore. It's done; it's run its course through me and we're through. Because... I tried to eat, I made myself eat a little--Grad Night preparation--and I had the most intense freak-out that I never want to have again. I fail at eating. Which is good, of course.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared of all of this.
I'm finishing up Wasted and I fucking hate it, I fucking hate how true it is and how she's stolen my thoughts which are so secret that I don't even know them, she's put them on paper for the world to see. The book makes me angry because it's the only thing thus far that's able to convince me that I can really, really fuck myself up with this. But towards the end she makes a good point--being depressed sucks and letting yourself die is really lame. I don't want to do that, but my eating disorder has not run its course yet.
My goal weight used to be 80 lbs. With my height I'd be underweight at 121. Maybe my goal weight should be 100. Or even 115. Because aside from personal satisfaction, there is no practical need for me for me to be sickly thin. I want to be sickly thin because I want to be sick. That's a truth I don't like to admit to myself. I don't need to find myself attractive, because, well, I know I'll never find myself attractive. Being a healthy weight or slightly underweight would be quite suitable for society's standards of thin, and yeah, I don't care much about those, but if I know I'll never find myself attractive then I should just aim to meet society's standards for the sake of convenience and practicality.
I starve to give myself the option to die if I ever really wanted to. Well, now I simply realize that I should also leave myself the option to live.
When I finish Wasted, I want it out of my possession. I'd like to pass it along. To whom, I'm not sure. Someone that needs it. I don't think I need/want it anymore. I don't want the "dying" part of this disorder. I want the floaty, dreamy part of it, and only that part. I'm cutting out all the things that make me feel crazy--this is the only ED-related website I'm allowing myself to go on anymore. No more thinspo, no more obsessively watching the Food Network, no more PrettyThin... those make me feel sick and depressed and when I feel that way I start to want out. But I want in, in, in. Because I want thin, thin, thin.
Did I mention Grad Night is tomorrow? So excited. : )
i guess this is your lightbulb moment when you realize that this is real. It has its grasp on you and isn't letting go anytime soon.
ReplyDeletepersonally, im aiming for slightly underweight. although, ill probably lower it once (and if) i ever get there. just take it day by day, i say. lean on us whenever you get scared of what we've gotten ourselves into.
Be wary of whom you pass Wasted to.
ReplyDeleteI had a small jolt reading your post. I think it's wonderful, and it makes me SO happy to see that you don't WANT to die.
But...I find Wasted extremely...moving, in the wrong way. It makes me WANT to be that sick. Obviously this is an aspect of how sick I already am, but I accept and even desire the negative side effects of my ED. So be careful who inherits that book, because it can be extremely triggering.
Though I always hate hearing this sort of typical ignorant response - you don't just get to have "part" of the disorder. I think it's these sorts of realizations that make people decide to seek recovery, finally deciding that the Cons are not worth the Pros. I think this is really what Pro-Ana is all about...recognising that "line" and accepting everyone, no matter which side they're on.
If you want to keep Calorie Restriction in your life, but also want Health, Check out the CRON diet. It's absolutely facinating - it's all about eating less calories while "optimizing" your nutritional intake. If you can eat light get exercise and be super-thin as a lifestyle, then I applaud you, because that is impossible for me without slipping into bad habits!
(sorry, babbling, not enough coffee)
I somehow know what you mean.
ReplyDeletei look in the mirror and see a fat ugly girl but my freinds say i look nice. why the hell i just cant see me trough their eyes...
anyways keep it strong and i hope you reach your goals.
Gracile
sounds like im not the only one going through a depressive, crazy time
ReplyDeletegood luck on grad night :)
xx
Have fun at Grad Night!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're scared. Is there anything we can do to help? Anything we can say? xoxo
I'm quiting PT too :/ High five us.
ReplyDeleteOmg, have fun tomorrow night!! <3