I guess I'm pretty successful for a total failure

So the last two days, I haven't followed my plan. Yesterday I had intense cravings in the middle of the night, and ate fruit, so I probably ended up at around 800 calories for the day instead of 600. Today I was supposed to fast but randomly broke down in the middle of the day and probably had 550 calories. Not ideal. However, I've been doing so horribly lately that this is actually a great improvement. I work tomorrow so I'm just going to try to eat a little bit before work and maybe 50 cals afterwards and have that be it. And then Sunday I WILL fast. Maybe success won't come immediately, but I can taper down this eating until I can gain control of myself and make this plan work! I've given up on trying to cut down on my Diet Coke intake. It'll be my dirty little secret I guess.

Excuse my absence

I'm the fattest cow on the farm. I can't stop the binging. Today, I fasted, did the salt water flush, nothing happened. I broke down at like 6:00 and ate (and ate and ate and ate and ate.) I leave for college in less than a month. This is the time for seriousness. A painful level of seriousness. Here's the deal ok? I wanted to fast until college. That's really simple. Just don't eat till you start school. But I realized I probably couldn't do that. So I'm just going to fast every other day until college, and keep my calorie intake at around 600cals or less on the days I do eat. I'm going to weigh myself and measure every day, and plan my calories the night before hand as often as possible. I'm also going to plan out my eating times. Basically I need to include as many numbers as possible. I always do so much better when I can obsess about numbers.

I'm also giving myself 3 cheat days. So it's either eating on fast days or eating more than planned on restricting days IF it seems necessary. These cheat days will most likely be used on my orientation/immediate departure for New Jersey to go to the wedding of a cousin I don't know/general mindfuck of a three days that will happen in the middle of August.

I'm about to make a calendar for this shit.
I can pass it off as a countdown to when school starts if my mom asks, because, y'know, that's essentially what it is. It's going on the wall next to my bed so I'm always thinking of that shit. I'm going to color code it. Actually, I have a dry erase board that I should do this on. Yes. Doing this, hanging it up on my wall.

I think I gained like... 30lbs since May. That might be an exaggeration, but it's probably not much of one. So while I can't start college being any thinner than I was in May, I really believe that if I work hard I can at least undo all of this damage. And when school starts I'll be walking everywhere, being able to use my school's gym/fucking ROCK CLIMBING WALL/really cheap boxing lessons, etc., and generally having no money to buy food.

I'm too tired to think anymore.
I hope you all have been well. I feel bad about not posting for so long, but I just couldn't face myself.

(oh yeah, I got accepted. I applied late so they answered late but yessir, I got accepted. I saw it on the online status thing so I'm still waiting for my letter in the mail.)

(I'm still not 100% sure of my living situation, but I'm pretty sure I'll be living with my brother if he can keep his job, which I thiiiink he will. At least I'll know that within the next few days.)

uh, fuckyou?

Fivepointfive sandwiches. A binge so bad it's almost impressive. My friends come to town and hang out without me, make new friends with name-droppers and pseudo-trendy fucks then expect me to enjoy myself while hanging out with these kids. A weight that keeps rising, I can't get it down. A very uncertain future. I feel enormous. And disgusting. But you already knew that.

Show tonight. I guess even though the binge happened, it happened before 4:00 and if I don't eat for the rest of the day I should be okay. Ha.

Dreams come true

They do, they do, they do.
I may soon be living in the most gorgeous apartment I've ever seen and it's essentially on campus. Ahhh!

Short post--
I wrote a somewhat light-hearted/marginally funny breakup song to food, and I was going to record it and post it on here as sort of a gift to you guys... then I forgot it. So I'll write another one and record it tomorrow or the next day. : )

Bad news--
My parakeet died.
I spent a few hours crying today.
We buried him in my backyard and I'm going to sit at his mound of dirt and sing to him. He always sung to me and I'd like to return the favor. Now I'm crying again. I'm going to go to sleep. Goodnight darlings.

Going to Atlanta for a few days. If I don't post again, that means I received my AP scores in the mail and failed APUSH. Which means I killed myself. Not that I'm trying to be dramatic.

perfect

A change in deadline

The plan had been for me to start university in January, for the spring semester--I had applied late so there was no way to get housing for the fall. But... my brother is moving to the city my school is in after having just received an appallingly well-paying job, so he'll be getting an apartment big enough for the both of us. So if I get accepted for the fall semester (which, even though it's late, I think is quite likely as I exceed their requirements by a huge factor) I can just live with him and save money on dorm cost and whatnot.

All of this is very exciting, but it's a little stressful as I though I had until January to get skinnyskinnyskinny. If I go to school in August, I have only a matter of weeks! I'm totally unprepared in other ways, too--I don't have my own computer, I don't have a car, I'm pretty sure the entire rest of the school has already registered for classes so I'll probably get stuck with really shit courses... and I've lived in a rural town my whole life, a 20 minute commute from a small, small city... And I'll be moving to the biggest city in the southeast, and not even just outside of it; I will be living downtown. But all of this doesn't really matter as this is where I really should be. I'll figure out public transportation and maybe I'll just take out a student loan to buy a car and I'll use the $1100 I have saved up to buy a laptop and to cover my living expenses for a while.

I'm just worried that I won't be skinny enough when I start school.

I mean, I know I won't be skinny enough. It's just impossible, physically impossible to lose all this weight in time... unless I lose a limb or something, and that's just... not how that works.

BUT when I start school I will use their gym all the time and maybe my apartment building will have a gym and whatnot. The place my brother is looking at is an old factory converted to an apartment complex which means it's probably haunted but also very, very beautiful which excites me endlessly. He's making $90000 a year which is over three times as much as I ever expect to make. I guess his being a computer nerd really pays off, eh? Plus he'll probably start buying organic fruits and vegetables because he can afford it, but aside from that we have very different taste in food so I won't be tempted to eat anything out of his fridge.

And I'll have my own  room.

Oh and, by the way, the purpose of this post was to announce my new plan. I know I know, I never stick to the plans I make. That's because my plans are always too weird to tell to anyone, and if no one knows my plan I can't be held accountable so I'm less likely to stick to it.

But here it is.

Raw vegan. Yes. Again. Oh, of course. Raw 'til college. 

But not totally raw, here are non-raw things that are allowed OCCASIONALLY:

Fruit Buddies
Soy milk

Pasteurized fruit juices

Here are the things that are HARDLY EVER ALLOWED:

Peanut butter

Here are the things that are ONLY ALLOWED AT WORK:

Diet Coke. (we get free drinks at work so I drink Diet Coke like a FIEND!)

I'm writing my plan out and telling my mom, telling everyone I know, telling everyone in my family, putting it on the fridge. My mom knows that my affinity towards raw-eating has something to do with my disordered-eating, but the more I educate her about it the more she realizes that it really is good for you. I'm basically going to just start out in my "detox" period basically eating raw food limitlessly and gradually cutting down after a week or so.

Pros of raw eating:

It's healthy.
I can restrict less while still losing weight.
Raw vegetables can be really fucking bland, which means I'll enjoy them less, which will be good for breaking food-addiction.
A raw diet ensures that you will get sick less.
More energy = more exercise.
I can get out of going to restaurants quite often.
I'll probably end up having amazing skin and stuff.
I can't eat spaghetti.
I'll be eating a lot of fiber, which means I'll actually poop.
Yeah, I went there.
If "negative calorie" foods exist, we will become well-aquainted.

I just finished the last of my polenta which means it's starting! Which means I have peaches, oranged, celery and carrots for the rest of the day. For the rest of the summer. Mwaaaaha.