Today was better than yesterday. I mean, I guess I'd call today a considerably "good" day, though I guess it goes to show how fucking low I am that even on my "good" day I have seriously considered suicide. What I mean to say I guess, is that my level of control was at 0% yesterday, and today I'd estimate it being at about 25%. I made myself wait until 3:00 to eat, which was good and I was really proud of that, it's just all the junk food (Doritos, really good bread, chocolate pound cake, cheese, avocados) that came pouring into the house today overtook me. But if after reading that disgusting list (I mean, minus the avocados. I love avocados if they are PLANNED avocados but these certainly were not) if you can possibly imagine it, my intake was less than it was yesterday. At least, I'm assuming it was better; I'm trying really hard to forget that yesterday happened and I've been somewhat successful.

Going road trippin'/college visitin' with my mom tomorrow and goddamnit this restaurant up there has this really good vegan cheese and I'm eating pizza. Because, you know why? I'm going to pretend to be normal for two days. Then? I'm letting all my rituals seep back in. The shitty ones that come naturally, like not being able to go to sleep without having planned out every calorie of tomorrow's intake and having it in writing. That's the best one and the worst one, you know? It comes naturally so it works. And I'm letting it come back even though I hate it. But not tomorrow, tomorrow I will eat fake cheese and pesto and avocados and sugary coffee drinks and I'll put on my biggest smile that is until I have to give my mom "the talk" about how it was really messed up that she got my hopes up about college like that.