Depression, regression, disbelief, fatigue. I'm always depressed the first few weeks of summer, I know that, but I don't think I've ever felt this depressed before. Yesterday I decided that I was supposed to die this summer. Not necessarily that I wanted to die this summer, but just that I was supposed to. That I'm going to. I think of my future and there's this fog that stops my brain from going past this summer. I decided that I'm going to starve myself to death. I decided that I want someone to tell on me, that I want to get better, not from the eating thing, but from the wanting to die thing. From the cutting thing. From the being miserable thing. I also realized that "help" costs money, and well, I need a car. I figure if on the slim chance that I do survive the summer, I'm going to need a car and stuff. The night before graduation, the night that I cut so much, I'm walking around in a daze, she starts talking to me about the graduation dinner that was supposed to happen with some of my friends and an obnoxious amount of their families. I start crying, saying I don't want to go. Saying I shouldn't be going because I have nothing to celebrate. "What do you mean, because you decided to go to ______?" "I didn't decide to go there." And no, I didn't. My mother tried to force me to go to the college that I told her for years that I wouldn't go to. It's the place where people go to let their dreams die. So I leave and go cry in my room, she comes in and says something along the lines of "I know your education is really important to you so I think you should apply to _________ in the fall." The fucking school I've always wanted to go to. My dream school. I start crying again because while I'm happy she decided to let me go, the application deadline was in March. She tells me to apply anyway, she sends an email to the school asking if I can apply late... they say I can. They say I fucking can. I'm on top of the world, I'm so happy, I go to graduation and tell them to change my script to say I'm going to that school, and I walk across the stage fully believing it. My mom failed to mention that she wouldn't let me go unless I could get on-campus housing... but since she was so fickle with deciding to let me go, housing has already filled up and there's a waiting list, and she doesn't want to pay the deposit anyway. So I'm depending on this fucking waiting list. So she gets my fucking hopes up, all for my future to decide on a fucking waiting list.        

FuckyoufuckyoufuckyouFUCK YOU for letting me think for a second that I actually had a future. FUCK YOU. You're absolutely fucking full of shit and I will never forgive you for this. We're going to take a campus tour on Monday, and to turn in my application "if they say the waiting list isn't too long. If it's really long I'm not going to bother paying the application fee."

FUCK YOU!

So I've spent the past two days crying in bed. Too afraid to leave my house. Skipping graduation parties because I can't deal with life right now.