Future.

When I start thinking about my future, I get really confused. How on earth will I put a name to what I want to do with my life, how on earth will I even figure out what that is? And how the hell do I go to college for something like that?

I do know I want to do something socially conscious, politically active, to create positive social change on as grand of scale as possible. To work for some kind of organization, I guess. I know you can't get a degree in that, specifically. I know I should be majoring in something like Sociology or Political Science. I know what I really need to be doing is interning wherever I can, networking, making connections. I decided to stay in town to go to college for my core classes, to give myself two years to really solidly figure everything out, and of course two years to make said connections. But I've been looking for internships and yielding not much at all.

Every time I think I get it figured out, I realize how faulty my logic has been. I want to work my way up to Atlanta. From Atlanta I want to work my way up to D.C. I like it there, a lot. My heart aches for it. Every day I'm at my mother's heels, bouncing off a new idea to her on what would be a good occasion to make the trip to Washington. Over Christmas? No. My birthday weekend? No. Spring break? Well I'm going there during summer, that's for sure. And I want to live somewhere in India for a while.

I took three AP classes this year because I wanted to go away for college. But now I'm swamped with stress and regret because I'm going to end up going to a university where you only need a 2.0 GPA to get in. It literally has a 99% acceptance rate. I could have relaxed this year, figured myself out more. I have so much homework to do over break and it's Christmas Eve and I'm not even enjoying the holidays because I'm so stressed. Even though I keep telling myself I have over 10 days left in break to finish all my work I'm stressed.

I just don't want to live my like feeling like I've wasted my power as an individual. I could have been an elementary school music teacher. I could teach government, or choral music, or history, or English. I could have been a nutritionist like my mom wanted me to be. But the thought of staying in one place scares the shit out of me. The thought of staying here for the next two years feels suffocating. I always want to be moving, to be improving. To be taking more and more people in under my wing.

I have no fucking clue.

I'm extremely tired and weak today. I drank some bouillon (30 cals) because I just felt like I needed something. I feel worse.