My sister made me go get lunch with her. Terrible. But I have enough diet soda to last me through the apocalypse and I will not, not, not eat tonight.** Today is my last day of true winter break -- I have another full week before school starts again which will be spent exercising and doing my homework. Getting down to business, or what have you.

Much thanks to the pictures on ana is blue's blog for reminding me how obsessed I am with Hannah Murray. Skins is now in my Netflix queue. Heh heh. 








**Updated.


I am utterly devastated. I binged. I'm supposed to fast and I binge. Go me. Why? Sheesh, I don't know why. I've spent the last month trying to answer that same question and I'm still not sure why I do it. Fear of success? Attempting to be normal? The twisted compulsion to make myself unhappy? Did my body never leave starvation mode and thus still thinks that this is the last meal before the next drought? I can dig and dig for an answer, but no answer seems to be the one that makes me stop binging. 


My mind is just fucking blown.


So I was too depressed to even muster up enough energy to exercise the food off, so the only viable option seemed to be to take an ice-cold bath and meditate on certain horrible things I had previously done. I lied in the cold water, shivering and wondering how close the possibility was of getting frostbite. I figured I was going to be ok. But a couple of my fingernails began to turn blue so I figured it was time to get out. And I have a couple quarts of ice water to drink before I go to bed. Of course this is most likely useless, but I feel better being proactive. 


I would have purged it all. I would have purged until all my arteries and bones spilled from my throat... but the layout of my house makes this impossible. I gag loudly and the sound of a pin drop travels like a gun shot in my house. I am an almost-bulimic with paper thin walls. I'm missing the important half of the disorder, the louder, more conspicuous half. I'm stuck here, in this tiny bubble. It's only big enough for a skeleton but I'm an elephant trapped inside of it, suffocating.


The want, the will, the drive is there. It just seems that the ability is no longer present. 


I promise to deliver good news to you girls, and soon. I won't let you down anymore.