I eat furiously, with the subtle intention of normalizing my mindset. If I can eat I can be like everyone else, right? If I can eat I won't be this alien creature that spends her time alone either eating or not eating, binging or starving. There is nothing else in my world. Nothing! If I can eat maybe I can share the food culture with my worldly contemporaries; they can accept me if I can accept my need to eat.
But the more I eat the less I enjoy it -- the more I eat the more alone I feel -- the more I eat the more I realize: I am not, not, not, not normal. Not with food at least. I think it's safe to say that I will certainly never be normal in this respect.
So naturally, only one option remains: I must be extraordinary.
Normal is so extrememly boring - I'm with you on being extraordinary.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about eating to try and feel normal - when I eat I feel disgusting and what goes from being a low intake can instantly balloon into a full blown binge... Ugh. I'd rather fast.
Happy Holidays!
xo
Well, I must say, I'm being thrown into a bout of "bacterial domesticity" as you so aptly put it in your old blog. At least, I'm pretty sure that was you.
ReplyDeleteOops, accidently submitted that before I meant to, my bad. :]
ReplyDeleteAnyway, please stay strong. You are already extraordinary!
I'm sorry you're sad. I'm sorry you're sick. I'm sorry about everything, and I'm sorry that I can't help you. I've done a pretty fantastic job of screwing up myself already, so I don't think I'm of much use to you.
ReplyDeleteThis post is exactly how I've felt today :( But you're totally right! we don't want to be normal, normal is mediocre (for me), normal is not an option when it comes to perfection...
ReplyDeleteGreat post :)
Hey...I just started a blog and I would be so thrilled if you took a look at it. I love your writing. Stay strong girl <3
ReplyDeleteexactly how i feel. i desperately want to be 'normal' with food. but cannot. no matter what i do.
ReplyDeletethanks for being relatable!
laur.