Way to go being a jackass, world.

The scale told me I gained eight tenths of a pound since yesterday! It was in the afternoon and I had just eaten when I weighed, but come on. I don't think I had eight tenths of a pound of food in my stomach. Shit. : (

I started Psychology today. It's going to be an awkward class. Today we did a meditation exercise that was supposed to open us up and release some type of memory. I couldn't get a memory. I was the only one that couldn't. But I ended up visualizing this run-down shed that was creepy as shit--deep in the middle of the woods, run down and all, some type of place where someone would get murdered--and I started feeling extremely, horribly frightened and tears just started pouring from my eyes, the type of crying where you barely realize you're doing it. Afterwards I was totally drained, shaking, and couldn't figure out what the fuck just happened. No memory, but during the exercise I was feeling so anxious I could have just died. Certain things make me thing I have some kind of repressed memory, and this doesn't help matters.

We're going to start keeping dream journals, which are assignments I guess and the teacher reads them. For fuck's sake! I have some of the most fucked up, traumatizing dreams. I don't have good dreams. Ever. I only have nightmares. Usually really, really fucked up nightmares, nightmares I can barely talk about. And if it's not those, it's dreams relating directly to my eating disorder. Dreams where I binge... I could admit to the most twisted constructs of my brain but I could never, ever admit to binge dreams. And the more I restrict the worse they will get. So... shit.