I go to sleep every night hoping I won't wake up. Then I wake up, and I'm so disappointed that the frustration still exists. Then the only thing I can find the energy for is making the effort to fuck myself up more that day than I did the day before. By the evening I usually am feeling a little bit better, but by nighttime I usually end up doing something really stupid that overshadows any good thing that happened that day. Then I go to sleep hoping I won't wake up.
or maybe
From day to day I cycle between binging and starving. And from day to day, the intensity with which I think about killing myself depends solely on where I've gained or lost weight. That's generally what's going on when I sound unhappy. I lost 60lbs by starving, gained 10lbs back from binging, and the latter thought alone steals all my happiness away from me.
or maybe
Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme etc x2 tenfold.
I don't know how any of these would go over in casual conversation. Or a heart to heart. I want to reach out to someone so bad it kills me inside.
But I have to say thank you all so much for your support lately. It means more to me than you know. Sorry I haven't commented much lately, but it would appear that I've become the type of whiny self-obsessed bitch that I hate.
Don't kill yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf you killed yourself, you'd be buried with that extra ten pounds. Ten pounds more effort going into carrying your coffin.
It sounds harsh, but that's what I tell myself all the time. Will it work for you?
Hun, no one blames you. You're struggling with something and you need to care about you. It's hard to be there for someone without totally contradicting your beliefs. If you need someone to talk to, message me.
ReplyDeletehonestly, i know exactly how you feel. its almost like everything that im thinking you are able to put into words. i really admire your honesty.
ReplyDeletepersonally, i think that it might do you some good to tell someone. it took a load off my shoulders, even though its tough at times. just be sure that you are VERY careful in choosing who to tell. some people arent who you think
thanks for your amazing posts! stay strong :)
you put into words everything i feel. I go from starving to binging/purging almost day in day out.. and i want to starve. i want to be thin. i will be thin if everyone just left me to myself. if you ever need to talk, i could always do with a friend xxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDelete