I feel so fucking weirded out by my last post. I feel fucking wrong and weird for saying that shit. Let me tell you something about myself--I hate being fucking controlled. By anyone or anything. Social control pisses me off, general societal rituals, religion, gender roles, general behavioral and fashion expectations induced by age, race, sex or sexual orientations--all really ridiculous shit that I don't think should exist. And I hate how much it controls people. That's why I don't drink alcohol, that's why I don't do drugs, that's I wouldn't practice most religions even if I did believe in God (following a book that says that as a female I am inherently sinful? Fuck you, no way.) and it's why I like to play devil's advocate a lot. Basically I am mentally extremely claustrophobic and if I feel like my thoughts are being controlled in any way I get extremely uncomfortable.
So why the fuck was I saying all that shit about belonging to some distant figment of my imagination? I don't know. Because I want to be a different person. But through the duration of my eating disorder thus far I decided I would be the exception--that i could be happy AND starving. And that Ana would not control my life. I am my own fucking god! And my own fucking nutritionist! my own fucking personal trainer! But after like two months of reverting towards the realms of compulsive-over-eating I figured i could never restrict again unless I gave up my mind.
STUPID SHIT!
DON'T EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP YOUR MINDS!
It's the only fucking thing you have!
I will devote myself fucking completely to MY eating disorder and I will fight this ghost that hangs off of my fucking back telling me to be a self-obsessed little bitch to her fucking wishes of ribs and spines... those are MY fucking wishes! And I'm taking them back! Minor Goonies reference? Recognize.
I am not a slave to my eating disorder. I fucking control it, I always fucking will.
FUCK ME FOR SAYING ALL OF THAT I WAS FUCKING STUPID THAT IS NOT HOW I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE. I'm reverting back to July 4th when I got my first comments on my old blog and how they scared the fucking shit out of me because I felt like I was doing something wrong. Well I don't think I'm doing anything wrong but fucking seriously I will not live in a dream for the duration of my life.
Granted, I predict either deleting this post entirely, or editing it, or just posting a post explaining this post. I'm hungry and exhausted and only conscious enough to know that I sound fucking half-conscious right now...
oh yeah, uh, liquid fasting tomorrow.
just found out that tall soy hot chocolates with no whipped cream from starbucks are 220 calories, so worth it, and they make me feel sick so double yeahhh.
Edit: Yeah just read this over and realized how ridiculous I sound but it's too much to say again so I'll just say I apologize for all the swearing and I hope someone somewhere realizes even a little bit why I feel the way I do about this.
Another edit: Fuck me for being such a fucking fatass when I started my first blog! And now, I'm so, so fat... jesus christ this is a bad night to go crazy, i'ms tarting off 2010 comlpletely fucking crazy... i need to go to sleep though, sorry. this is another reason i don't drink, beause im this fucking crazy on my own.
You TELL that eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteYou MAKE it (not her) see reason.
It can NOT control you. It will reside within you for as long as YOU accept its rent.
In turn, it must also earn its keep.
Do you know what you need?
Do you know what you want from it?
Wish I did.
You're completely right. There's no reason you should have to listen to someone else's idea of "Ana". It's your body; you are the one controlling it. But just so you know... you're not fat, and you're not stupid.
ReplyDeleteDon't delete this post! It is a rather great on,somuch of your writing I agree with!!
ReplyDeleteLet's take control over again,WE ARE THE BOSS!