And the thought of it shakes all my bones
in this weak body I used to own.
I can't do this alone.

Either someone in Balance & Composure has an eating disorder, or its just a total coincidence that many of their lyrics speak to me in such a profoundly specific and literal way. They also have a song called "I Just Want to be Pure." Yeah. Anyway. 

Today, I lied my phone on the table in my porch, only to discover a thin yet resilient crust of pollen on its belly. Hello, spring. Sneeze. Achoo. I gave up on trying to restrict my water intake. I'm on my 5th liter as we speak. I'm feeling light-headed, but who gives a fuck. I've eaten enough food today that this shouldn't matter. Oh all the fucking food I've eaten today. I was supposed to fast today to counteract the inexplicable 2 pounds I managed to gain overnight, but so far I've had a garden pita from Pita Pit, some edamame, and a salad with a bit of avocado. Oh, and an apple. Fuck. I swear to god regardless of how healthy or "no-calorie" or "vegetable" (ha) the food might be, it turns automatically into lard, butter and sugar the second it enters my mouth. I've just been fucking depressed today, and obsessing, literally obsessing, over peanut butter. I have the strangest anxiety right now in that I know the only way to counteract it would be to arrange some food, organize some cans or chop some food, any food, to cook anything. I could probably make 100 PBJs right now if you asked me. I made an enormous salad today that I didn't eat (well not for like two hours at least, and only part of it) just to get rid of this damn thing in my head, nagging, nagging, prodding. I'm trying to not actually eat any more food today but I crave experiencing it in some way. Oh hell I'll probably eat something. I know I could eat a lot of salad for 200 calories and only a spoonful of peanut butter for the same, but oh how it calls me...

It's always on my troubled mind...