She said she'd try and take it from me.

But of course I can't let her take away something I really, really want to keep.

And guess what I'm starting tomorrow (again)? You guessed it--RESTRICTING OMG. No fear this time, and pre-planning without fail. My new bedtime ritual will be going in my kitchen, figuring out what food we have, going on The Daily Plate and figuring out exactly what'll I'll eat and exactly at what time. It'll go like this:

7AM - 100 calories (breakfast)
12:00:PM - 100 calories (AVOID) (at school lunch)
3:00PM - 100 calories (ride home from school--eating then helps me not binge when I get home)
4:00PM - 100 calories (after school)
5:00PM - 100 calories
6:00PM - 100 calories
7:00PM - 100 calories
8:00PM - 100 calories (AVOID)

A total binge-buster! Why on earth would I binge if I know I'll be eating in another hour? 800 calories is a lot but 200 of those are "emergency" calories--only if I'm feeling completely and miserably hungry at school or if I feel the evening munchies coming. Plus, I feel like eating eight little meals a day will be fabulous for my metabolism.

The plan is once I've perfected the 800-calorie plan to take out the "emergency" calories for good, then once I've mastered my 600-calorie plan to eventually cut out the 7:00PM calories, and maybe eventually even the 5:00PM calories. Who knows, I'm feeling optimistic! A 400 calorie average... it would be marvelous.

I'm still not totally sure how my friend took the news... well, not very good I'm assuming, because she said it was like "the worst thing ever" and that she'd "rather I be addicted to crack." I don't know. I don't think she'll push the subject if I say I don't want to talk about it. But it just really sucked when I was trying to make myself feel better by talking about shit, and all I could do was beat around the bush--tell her everything else that's going wrong, but none of that made me feel any better because whenever I told her I was upset about friends/school/college/boys I was always actually upset about being fat/being weak/being disgusting/having binged. I just put my pain into those other problems to attempt to be dealing with this in a socially acceptable way. It didn't work. Today I felt close to a really embarrassing, messy, noisy nervous breakdown. I swore at some kid on the staircase that I didn't even know and almost freaked out on people numerous times. It was just really time that this came out.

I'm just hoping things will be a little easier now. It sucks being on the phone for hours and trying to get this one thing out... it's like being full of bubbles and trying to get the bubbles out of you but you realize they're popping just before they reach the air outside your body. All of their residue is still inside of you, and the air around you is still empty.