At my friend's party, her mom walked in after just about everyone had gotten there and I heard, "I hardly recognized you! You're so little, you look like you could just blow away!" And I wish wish wish she was talking about me, but oh no. It was another girl there, who I realize is like, the most ideal female. She's super-thin (obviously) and she has very pale skin, rosy cheeks, wispy, light blonde hair. She's very intelligent, very ambitious, very delicate. But she sure can stick up for herself, to anyone, at any time, no apologies. She has a beautiful sweet boyfriend who is so head over heels for her and dotes on her constantly, but you can tell that she's the one in control in that relationship. And her arms, her arms are so skinny, my god.

I had a major party-food-come-home-eat-more binge which ended up with my lying in bed until 2 AM with extremely painful indigestion. That's when I started thinking about how much I could really be fucking myself up. I starve enough to stay in starvation mode for about 24 hours, then break it with an amount of food so grand that my body physically aches until it empties. What if I'm really sick and no one, not even I, can tell because I'm not skinny? What if my insides are even more fucked up than I thought? What if I just die in my sleep? I thought about it, and I realize, I don't mind. I realize that this is how I want to die. We all say "No, no, I cannot die fat." But for some reason now it seems like it's ok to die fat as long as I die from this disorder. I thought about death, really considered it, and it wasn't scary.** Is that scary?

**(Which means I can go at this full-force without that little teensy tiny nagging voice in the back of my head that says "You're killing yourself you stupid bitch!" What a dumb voice. That's exactly what I'm doing. Doesn't mean I'll go all the way.)

My perception is way off. I've been chalking this up at various points in time to either a.) not eating (on good days) or b.) not sleeping (on binge days.) I feel high. And not always in the good way. At times I'll look at walls, tiles, projectors, and suddenly they are way bigger and way closer than it seems like they should be. It's been happening a lot recently. Along with a distinct loss of balance. I like that hunger and sleep deprivation affects me more, way more than it used to. It means I finally can manipulate my body's functions, and very effectively so.

Had a mini-binge after school today. Leaving myself with 110 calories for the rest of the day--enough for apple sauce and Saltines.