Here's a disclaimer:

This post is kinda graphic. If you don't want to read an explanation of my vomiting, you may not want to read this. 

Oh, the joys of purging. I love it. I won't pretend that I don't. Do you know what I don't like about purging? The bingeing that ensues beforehand. Everything about throwing up is completely fantastic. Well, maybe not the part where you realize how much you actually ate, but I really like the other parts. Like struggling to get the food up and then it finally comes out in one swift, glorious movement... and feeling the sharpness of my teeth against my knuckles, and for a moment knowing what the inside of your body really looks like, even if it's the insides that you put in it... I purged yesterday. My brother was home. He probably heard me. Fuck. Let's review what I binged on:

-4 (yes, FOUR) veggie hot dogs with at least 100 calories worth of ketchup
-easily 2-3 servings of pasta (I'm not sure what a serving of pasta is, because I've never eaten it without bingeing on it...)
-a slice of bread with probably 3-4 tablespoons of peanut butter
-a bunch of diet red kool-aid...

And maybe more. I can hardly remember. My point is that everything came out red. Ketchup, spaghetti sauce, oodles and oodles of artificial red dye... that was interesting. And I just felt so damn proud after I purged it, too. I gave myself the most evil grin as I surveyed my watering eyes, flushed face, so guilty, yet so happy... unfortunately, I didn't get all of it out. And more definitely, definitely wanted to come up. But I didn't want my brother to hear. Although I'm sure he'd keep my secret, it's not a burden I want anyone to bear...

I still binged after school today, albeit much less out of control, as noted by the fact that I was actually able to pace myself enough to have a rough estimate of how many calories I actually consumed.

-4 whole wheat cheese crackers (120)
-1 peanut butter cracker (30)
-carrots, two with a bit of peanut butter at the end (60)
-a handful of Cheerios (60)
-a mouthful of orange soda (30)

So a 300-calorie binge isn't so bad, considering I could have eaten the same as a meal and wouldn't have felt too awful about it... well, it's better, at least. And not purge-worthy, not this time at least. It's just the simple fact that I was out of control. I mean, shit, I was shoving another carrot into my mouth before I had even swallowed the last one. Including my breakfast, which was a cup of chocolate soymilk, I'm probably hitting just under 450 calories for the day so far. I hope today is a good one...

I also have a large stash of hoarded food in my bedside cabinet, which consists of three different types of crackers and a banana. Ok maybe it's not a "large" stash but it's what I've put away for myself if I feel like I need to binge. Crackers are one of my main "safe" foods, though I couldn't tell you why. They're also my number one comfort food. Bananas are a "safe" food too although thinking logically that doesn't make sense either... The hoarding is the one thing about this I really, really don't understand. I don't have hoarding tendencies in any other area of my life, but I just swipe up food to keep in my room. I usually won't even eat it. I think I've had the same bottle of diet coke in my closet since October!

Also, add in about 30 calories for the enormous amount of diet kool-aid I'm about to consume... I know it's terrible to ingest artificial rat-poison sweeteners, but can I really be uptight about that when I'm earnestly attempting to starve myself to death? I'm only drinking it now while I'm trying to get back on track. In a couple weeks I'll phase it out.