I'm shaking. And it's not because I haven't eaten. It's sugar and anxiety.

Yesterday was too much cooking and not enough self-control. I ended up eating two pieces of pizza bread and more icing. This morning I weighed 2.4lbs heavier. I know, logically, that "can't" be true but I believe it. So in my moment of weakness this morning I ate a banana and 5 saltine crackers out of my cabinet. I had to finish my friend's cake this morning, and ate tons of icing. I chased this with just under a cup of berries and a little bit of sweet tea. I feel disgusting. I believe fully and thoroughly that every sip of water I consume magically turns to fat. I can just feel myself getting heavier and heavier. Nothing is leaving me, nothing is burning up. I have a birthday party to go to in an hour and a half, how can I pretend to be happy? How can I possibly get my anxiety down by then and not worry? I worry worry worry.

Maybe if I drink 2 liters of water, and if it magically doesn't turn to fat, maybe it'll cleanse my body just enough for me to feel hungry. I feel the faint rumbling of a ghost hunger, either because I remember it so vividly, or because I want it so badly. I'm deciding it right now: the rest of today and tomorrow will be subsistence, living off of a cup of broccoli, a cucumber, and a large pot of cabbage soup I just made. I need to be clean.

I need someone so badly I can almost feel a distant tingling of a kiss on my lips...
I need hunger so badly I can feel the gases playing tug-of-war in my stomach.

http://www.last.fm/music/Balance+and+Composure/_/I+just+want+to+be+pure?autostart