Yesterday ended up at about 800 calories, which isn't ideal, but is actually quite amazing considering how bad I've been doing lately. I've planned out what I want to eat today and it comes out to 683 calories, plus I'm allowing myself an unlimited amount of diet sodas and diet kool-aid so I'm rounding it up to 733 because the kool-aid has like 5 calories a cup and diet soda usually has like 1-4. So yeah, if I stick with what I planned I should do well. Right now all of my excess binge/water weight is just falling off and it feels fantastic!

I'm officially in starvation mode. I can just feel it. I think it's so interesting the funny things it makes me want to do. Like hoarding food and organizing and reorganizing said food and being only half there all the time... you know how it is. All floaty and whatnot. I am Luna Lovegood. Yesterday in singing lessons I had to hold back my laughter--my teacher makes me look into a mirror while I sing to make sure everything is right, but the thing is, I had the spots in front of my eyes right in front of where the mirror was and I couldn't see a thing! Being dizzy from hunger in combination with the dizziness that sometimes comes with the sudden deepening of your breathing for singing is just the best feeling!

Later...
I'm baking my friend a cake for her birthday and I ate some batter. : ( I need to get rid of some calories, for real. For dinner I'm going to have some raw veggies and mustard/vinegar/salsa/something like that, and all else I've had today has been a veggie burger (and the cake batter of course, ugh) so I should be fine, but I'm craving another veggie burger so majorly.

I've also been reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher all day. Late pass, I know. I bought this in October or November and for some reason didn't like it all that much. I like it a lot more the more I get into it, but it also scares me and makes me angry. Part of me knows to trust her knowledge because she's been there, deeper there than I have ever been, but the small, sickest part of me is mad that she's on "the other side" and letting MY secrets be known to the world. I know they were HER secrets but sometimes they are my EXACT secrets and I do not very much appreciate her just putting them on paper for the world to see. She puts into words things I never knew how. Very scary things. And when I get scared I get angry, throw the book down... or rather, place it safely in a box which I then slide under my bed, and return to my thoughts. MY thoughts, pre-recovery, which, unfortunately, all seem to be bound in those pages, even when I hide it under the bed.

This is an afterthought:
She went to that boarding art high school, and said eating disorders ran rampant. Well I don't go to exactly that type of school, as it's not a boarding school, but I do go to an art school. It's public, but you have to audition to get in and you have a major, and our programs are all really, really good. There are a lot of very, very serious people there. We have a huge dance department, full of really, really, really skinny girls. But I haven't known of any of them having eating disorders. Am I not looking hard enough, or are they hiding it too well? Does the eatingdisorder/artschool correlation simply not exist in my city? My high school is a feeder school to a really over-priced local art/design college. They're creating a K-8 art school that will be a feeder school to my school, and it's supposed to be really, really intense. They're trying to breed child prodigies, basically. Are they also breeding eating disorders? Who knows. I want to know. I want to know so, so badly.  My whole life I've thought, "Damn, this sure is a skinny/attractive city." Well maybe that's not natural. Oh whereeee do I find youuuuu....