That's it. I'm shutting down. To live, you must eat. If you are living you are going to eat. So I must stop living. Isolate myself, feel nothing, care about nothing and for no one. Become a zombie. So I can stop eating. I'm giving this a timeline: from March to June to completely curl up into my shell, summer to mend myself, August-college to start living. Not to start eating, of course. March to June to get skinny and so used to not eating that I can then start to be a real living, loving person again without having to eat. There's really nothing exciting me about these last few months of high school, so I might as well just throw it all away in place of something exciting and constructive.

My day was horrible. A lot of bingeing and everyone was home so I couldn't purge. I wanted to chew and spit but the idea was grossing me out so much that I couldn't do it. Lately I've been constricting my gag reflex, just to get that contraction, and the sound, and the watering mouth, just to loosen up everything in my stomach, my throat... I do that a couple times, but not enough to actually vomit. It's weird.

My sister got some natural sleeping pills, that aren't supposed to make you tired, just calm you down, and you can take them throughout the day for stress. They make me feel oh-so fuzzy inside.