So it took me four hours to eat two bananas. But, that method was driving me crazy. I've been angry, depressed, anxious and bored all day. Such a bad day. This overwhelming WANT was consuming me, terrifying me. It's scary to think such a strong WANT could live in my body. And the thought of fighting it is scary, too. So sometimes rather than fighting it, I give in, let it consume me, and I consuuuuume. I'm stuck in a real mess, guys. Something isn't happening in my brain anymore, the thing that makes it possible to restrict. So I'm going back to my old habits, even if there isn't the natural desire to do so: watching the Food Network constantly, drinking water compulsively and cooking like a maniac food that I won't eat. I am making my family a magnificent pasta dinner while I will be eating steamed broccoli.

Edit: to add to that list, constantly posting on PrettyThin (I haven't been on there forever...) and other sites like that, constantly look at and collect thinspo, be much more involved in everyone else's blogs, weigh myself every single day even if I know the truth will ruin my whole day, and of course put every single calorie into The Daily Plate. I don't know why I stopped doing all of this. But today, I have from now (about 3:30) till I go to sleep at like, 11:00, to completely and fully immerse myself in obsessive compulsive eating disorder-related behaviors. Remember when I was happy? I do. It was when I was too crazy to realize that anything was wrong. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only happiness that I am capable of.