If you read all of this you are a saint.

I feel I need to explain something to you guys. I feel like lately I've been writing a lot about hating my friends, hating this city, wanting to go far away, cut ties with everyone and be a stranger to a whole new city of people. Well there's a reason. I don't know if something in my head just snapped, or if I finally figured out who I was and therefore felt compelled to finally stand up for myself. But one morning, about two weeks ago, I woke up, and I was very, very different. Suddenly I was a very cold person. Suddenly I hated my best friends, and I dreaded ever being around them.

What's going on? I think it's the fact that I let myself get the closest to them. I gave them so much. I helped them unconditionally; I listened to them endlessly. I gave them absolutely everything I had and often more than I wanted to give. We shared inside jokes and all my best memories. But they used me. They totally exploited my generosity while giving little to nothing in return. I know the point of being generous is not expecting anything in return, but what I mean to say is that they didn't contribute what a friend should. I couldn't talk to them about my problems but I was obligated to endlessly listen to theirs. I humored all of their ridiculous ideas and respected them regardless, but when I spoke of my less-rational feelings and ideas they essentially ignored me, and made me feel really, really stupid. I loved them so much but they consistently treated me like an acquaintance when they claimed to be my best friends. One practically treated me like a stranger in public. I love them too, too much.

I told one about my eating disorder. I regret that so much. I feel violated because she doesn't deserve my secret, and I can't believe I misjudged her as a suitable vessel to which I could tell my secret. I've considered her my best friend since mid-9th grade. For four years, she put me on equal terms with literally everyone else. That hurt me so bad, because I loved her so much, and she implied that I was only as important to her as the people she barely knew. But she knew that she was my all-time best friend, and she took advantage of me for that. She manipulated me. I've only recently realized the extent of the emotional abuse I've suffered from her. She became my best friend when my ability to create and maintain mature relationships was still developing, and the way she manipulated me and exploited my feelings has seriously ruined the way I interact with other people. I haven't been able to get close to another person since 9th grade because of the sick nature of our friendship. She's made me terrified of other people, terrified that they'll treat me the way she did, and terrified that I will once again love someone that won't love me half as much.

She's a selfish human being, and her facade is that she loves everyone and wants to treat everyone equally. That's fake, fake, fake. She wants to collect as many friends as she can, but she never surpasses more than a shallow connection with them, because that might impede her social climb. I was forgettable, too uncool, I couldn't get her anywhere. She only kept me around because she knew she could control me. (And because my mom unconditionally gave her rides to places.) She could control me because I loved her more than anyone. For a time I thought I loved her more than my own mother. I would do anything she said because her friendship was the only thing that mattered to me. It was pathetic. But she knew all of that, and sickly indulged in that power. Little did she know that she was breaking down the spirit of another human being until it dwindled down to nothing.

I am nothing. Absolutely nothing, because I let someone break me, consume me. My soul exists in her pocket and I am nothing. But I guess at some point, I decided to break out of the contrived persona that we all create for ourselves, and somehow in that process I realized who I was. I developed a backbone. I decided to stop letting her push me around. At first, I put up with it silently, but refused to let it get to me. It still got to me. I still cried every time she left me out or implied that she was better friends with someone other than me. Next, I tried to tell her what was wrong. This didn't work either, because her number one talent is making me feel stupid whenever I try to tell her that she's hurt my feelings in some way. Then I realized that the only way to escape was to cut my emotional bind to her. I'm still getting over the power she has over me, but each time an incident happens it hurts me less. And I try to talk to her as little as possible. But at this point I don't care enough about our friendship to even try to work things out, so all of this will remain a secret to her. Admitting that she's done this to me will only give her more power, and I refuse to put her on a higher pedestal.

That's why I have to move. I need to be able to cut ties from her completely.

My other "best friend" is a less serious situation. I've only been good friends with her for junior and senior year, but I've known her since 8th grade. I was never as close to her because I was always afraid of her judging me, but for a long time I just loved her company so much, and we clicked and hung out all the time. We survived a year of booking chaotic and sometimes painful shows, and a year-long ridiculous and difficult pseudo-relationship between her and a real skeev. But eventually, she stopped confiding in me. She gradually stopped calling me. We didn't hang out as much. She just depended on my mom for rides, to and from school, and for me to help her endlessly with the homework that she never did. I have a deep-rooted paranoia that she only used me for rides and because it would be seriously impractical for us not to be friends anymore. I also believe that she feels she is much more attractive than me, that she is what the kids call "hot shit," that I am not in the same league as her and thus cannot relate to her perfect amazing life of being talented at everything and having guys drool over her all the time. She complains constantly, speaks slowly, is lazy with her homework and I end up having to sacrifice my time to help her with shit she should have done. Her having to ride to school with me severely impeded my progress in getting my license and subsequently is ruining my life (because a huge reason why my mom doesn't want me to go away is because I can't drive yet. And for months I couldn't drive with my friend in the car, so I still haven't gotten enough experience to get my license.)

Basically, she is an enormous burden and she brings absolutely nothing to the friendship. This paired with my general annoyance about nearly every habit and mannerism she has (the way she talks, the way she sings, the ways he never pays attention in math and I constantly have to catch her up even though it's not my fucking problem, etc, etc...) makes me completely unable to tolerate her anymore. I don't have anything seriously against her, but I do feel like I wasted my time yet again on someone who was justing me and exploiting my feelings for them. I can still see myself talking to her from time to time, but I just want to be acquaintances, not "best friends."

I know this is ridiculously long, and I've had to cut down so much of my reasoning that I'm not sure if my argument even makes sense. But this is why I have to get out of here. I have to cut ties, and if I stay close, it'll be impossible. Not only would I have to cut off them, but also all of our mutual friends to avoid it being awkward. Which is why I need to move at least 4 hours away for this to work. There will be no obligation of visiting and either way it will be totally impractical. I want to abandon them and not tell them why. They don't deserve to know why.

I have to completely rebuild myself as a person. I think this is the only way I can do it.