It's a joke. My moment of strength on Saturday gave me so much hope that this would be a new period of my disorder where it would actually be the one I want it to be. But fuck, now I'm just at the stage I always end up going back to: not letting myself purge, and slowly easing myself off of binging. I could throw up right now, involuntarily, out of disgust for my actions. Eating... (cringe)... normally today (if eating nothing all day, having a minor binge after school, and eating a small dinner counts as eating normally) and the rest of this week I am only living off of foods in my food box. Considering I have three apples in there that are probably almost bad, I'm assuming tomorrow I will be eating three apples and nothing else.
Edit:
Make that a major binge. Yeah, this is about the time when I realize how much I actually ate. I love how I can immediately suppress the memory of something that just happened... I convince myself that I just ate some salad, and manage to forget about all the chili, the bagel, the banana and the sweet tea. Fuck. Forget the "small dinner" for later tonight. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything.
As an incentive, tonight I'm telling you guys everything I'm going to eat, tomorrow through Saturday. I just have to work it out later once my sister is out of our room and I can access my box.
I really find that figuring out what I am going to eat helps me a lot. It's always those times when I have no idea what to eat that I end up binging because I have too many options. Deciding what you are going to eat in advance is soooo much safer :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong! xo
I know it'll probably sound redundant, and I apologize in advance if it does, but we all have these lows, love. These dips, these falls. You know we do, you know they're always followed by the upswing, because it can only get better.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing but complete and utter faith in you, and in your ability to get through this. It's funny...When I'm feeling like you are in *this* post, I'm in need of the encouraging support from those who are up and out of the darkness, those who are standing on the other side and seeing for themselves the benefits of staying strong...but I know how hard it is to hear those words of support and believe them, feeling as you do. Just know that we're here... EIGHTY OF US!!! ...loving you and cheering you on and wanting for you ALL that you want for yourself. You will have it, love. I just know it.
<3
P.D.