My eating yesterday was so horrific and shameful that I won't speak of it on this blog, but I've inexplicably lost 2lbs. This is a very delicate situation and I need to do really well today to ensure that this doesn't end up being a fluke. I want to stay at around 600 calories today.

Man, it was a lot easier breaking things off with my friend when I felt like she was oblivious to the whole situation. Now I think she's planning some trip without me, and I shouldn't be hurt, but I am. And at school we just keep antagonizing each other, which is like the exact opposite of what I wanted (I wanted complete denial of each others' existences.) I've told her that the way she talks to me hurts my feelings. Her response, laughing every time and saying, "But I can't just stop talking that way!" Oh yeah I'm sorry because not calling me stupid and a loser all the time would be putting you out so. fucking. much. It's not like it's her regular personality or that she talks that way to everyone. It's just me, and it's just the past month or two.

And I've actually been like, "Hey, you know, it's fucked up when your friend continuously tells you that the way you talk to her hurts her feelings, and yet you still continue to talk to her that way." So she knows it bothers me, she still does it.

The worst part is that she can still hurt my feelings.

I'm starting to question my own actions, and I don't know if this means that I realize that what I'm doing is a bad idea, or if once again she's managed to manipulate me into thinking that I'm the one that's doing something wrong. I wouldn't be surprised. When someone's manipulated you for four years and you finally start to think for yourself, it's hard to determine when or when not that person is still trying to manipulate you.

I stopped being angry with her, and I can already feel her start to control me again, whether she's trying to or not. I let myself get just the tiniest bit close to her again, and this is what happens. I was happier when I completely hated her. God, this is really fucked up.

But nonetheless it's really lonely not having friends. But it was really lonely only having two friends who preferred other friends to you whose guts you hated that always left you in the position of powerless. Or maybe I'm not lonely, just sick of being stuck home every weekend.

Or maybe me and this friend need to talk things out. No, fuck it, we're not talking things out. I'm telling her how I feel and she isn't allowed to say anything because every word she says will control my thoughts. That's the only fucking thing she's good at doing. But then again, if I admit that she hurt me, won't that once again put her in the position of power?

Let's be logical here:

Toxic friendship that makes you feel like shit: bad.
Freedom to be yourself even though it's lonely right now: GOOD!