It's a major bitch. I try to never do ritual-type things while eating because I'm convinced that's the only way I can retain any level of sanity, and usually I have no desire to do rituals anyway. I'm not sure why right now is any different, but I have a plate of a banana, sliced very thin (121) and some cantaloupe (54). The cantaloupe was cubed, but after slicing the banana I realized that the cantaloupe "had" to be sliced in a similar manner to the banana. But I got distracted, so a few cubes ended up being sliced up in thicker slices, and the anxiety over that is just now beginning to dwindle, about 20 minutes after the fact. I've eaten about three or four slices and who knows how long I've been sitting here. This will all probably go bad before I finish.
I won't let myself eat a piece if I want it too badly.
But I'm having a hard time differentiating between whether I want the food or if I just want to finish this damn plate so it will stop haunting me.
Or I can eat the bananas, then the cantaloupe.
Maybe I'll start when I finish this blog post.
In other eating news, I can't remember how many crackers I ate this morning. I believe I at seven at the least and ten at the most. So I'm counting it as ten. So this means that with the aforementioned food combined, my intake today is so far 315 calories. Then again, I haven't finished the fruit yet. Then again, if I don't finish the fruit I'll really have no way of knowing exactly how many calories were left over thus making it impossible to know how many calories I actually ate.
Fear of food.
What is that called?
Fear of want.
Fear of self.
Ok, I should really stop writing and start eating. Ugh.
Oh honey. You're not alone. I do this too.
ReplyDeleteI hate not knowing EXACTLY how many cals I've had. Bothers the shit out of me. Just at lunch my friends wanted some of my apple slices which pissed me off course I was like ughhh guess that's not 80 anymore :/
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know what the fear of food is o.o
"Cibophobia." Interesting.
well, I amn that kind of girl that simply HAS to eat food in a certain order. if I have mixed veggies for dinner I ALWAYS eat all the carrots,then all the corn,all the parpica,all the mushrooms and then always at the end I eat the peas-but only like 2-3 each fork. The order of the veggies is not very important apart from the peas at the end but I HAVE to eat all the yx before I go on with another kind of veggies.
ReplyDeletefreeeeeeeeeeeak! ;)