I'm shitting myself!

Maybe I'm late on this, but someone on PrettyThin posted this information about the new criteria that will be coming out for determining various eating disorders.

(4/9/2010) After considering suggestions submitted by Web site visitors, the Eating Disorders Work Group has proposed a revision to the B Criterion for Bulimia Nervosa. Specifically, they have included medication, excessive exercise, and fasting as mechanisms of compensatory behavior.


So this is sort of a huge deal for me. I've always used the term "bulimic" very loosely when describing my eating disorder. I mean, in the back of my mind I've known that I have a legitimate eating disorder, but by repeatedly telling myself that I'm a "fake" or that I just have "disordered eating" or even "EDNOS" I make myself believe that I don't have to worry, that I don't have a real problem. But now, shit, I am a medically-diagnosable bulimic. I binge and binge, then fast (or restrict heavily) to counteract it. I thought my calling this bulimic was just me being creative. But fuck... I could go to the hospital for this? For this? Really? Me, who won't tell anyone about my ED because I've dubbed myself "not sick enough" but in reality I could get sent to a hospital for the way I eat now...?


This is too fucking weird.
And scary.
And like... not okay.

So I guess the only option left is to stop habitually binging, and only restrict and fast, so because I'm still not skinny enough to be anorexic I'll be back in EDNOS territory. It's more comfortable and less scary there. And I should also work even harder to keep this a secret because apparently I'm "sick enough" for this to be a problem. But still not sick enough.

Isn't that fucked up?

In other news, and though it may not seem like it when considering the post above, me and Ana are officially back in our honeymoon phase. I've been simply giddy with hunger today and I am loving all of this so much right now. Maybe it's the fact that I lost those 2lbs, maybe it's the fact that things are fucked up enough right now for me to effectively revert back into this, maybe it's because my body is officially starving and it's messing with my brain. I can actually feel myself slipping away and that's exciting. But scary. But exciting.

I've had 460 calories today. I've eaten all of this somewhat-grudgingly, so if I keep up this feeling I should have no problem staying under 600. But I'm not really restricting until I'm under 200. But I'm not sure that I'm ready for that again, not yet. Maybe this summer. Oh, this summer. I'm so excited for summer! I plan on this summer being even more successful than last summer! Of course, I'll be working this summer so I might not be able to restrict to the fabulous 200-calorie-average that I managed to get down to last summer, but I'll still be able to lose enormous amounts of weight.

I have to get as skinny as possible before college. Because that's my fresh start.
Actually, I have to get as skinny as possible before summer. Just because.

..actually, I have to get as skinny as possible before next Friday. Because that's Grad Night.

........actually, I just have to get as skinny as possible, period. Constantly.

I'm going to start giving myself weekly goal weights, and rewarding myself each time I reach my goal. Official weigh-ins will be on Saturdays, but I'll still weigh whenever I feel compelled. (once a day? three times a day?) I'm setting the bar high this week and making my goal to lose 5lbs. This is very ambitious, but if I'm anything it is overly-ambitious. However, in the last few weeks I've just been in over-eating mode, so I really think that going full-force back into restricting mode will shock my body enough to make me lose that much. Also, dancing for ten hours straight with minimal food in my belly on Grad Night is bound to shed a few pounds.

STOKED.

(Ha, I realize the tone of this post changed dramatically from beginning to end. It's ok, I'm feeling optimistic and totally out of my mind.)